


Primrose

by pasteldnp



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Fluff, High School, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mpreg, Rape/Non-con Elements, Slow Burn, Teenagers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-03-22 21:24:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13772862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pasteldnp/pseuds/pasteldnp
Summary: Phil is the son of the Chief of Surgery, trying to finish his last year of high school when a new long-term patient comes in under mysterious circumstances. All he wanted was to be allowed in his favorite lounge, but the lonely boy in room 316 has a lot more in store- namely, a baby.





	1. The Private Ward

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't actually think about writing this, but then I had 15 pages so I figured why not make it a whole thing. I don't know how long this will be, but likely it's going to be quite long. I'll try not to wait too long between updating. Also, please excuse any cultural inaccuracies, I'm not from the UK.  
> A note on the trigger warnings and other information can be found on my Tumblr: www.pasteldnp.tumblr.com/primrose.  
> This is just a work of fiction, and if you don't like something just don't read it. 
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Spending nearly every afternoon in the hospital was not what Phil liked to do after school. The smell of antiseptic lingered everywhere, no matter where he went to try and avoid it, and there was at least a 60% chance he’d see someone dead or dying. But when your father is the Chief of Surgery, you learn to make the hospital a second a second home. By now, his senior year of high school, Phil knew the ins and out of the entire hospital better than the upper-level residents, so he had the best hiding spots.

On the third floor, just down the hall from maternity and the NICU, was a small private ward in the corner of the building. There were only two basic patient rooms, a tiny nurses station, and a lounge. The ward was only used when they had important patients or the rare prisoner. Once his father said they used it to quarantine someone who they thought had the plague. Otherwise, the only people Phil would find lingering in the ward were overwhelmed, junior nurses and tired residents. This was his favorite spot to sit and do his homework while he waited for a ride home. The lounge didn’t have much in it besides old furniture that made fart noises when you sat in them and a few lockers. But he made do.

So, as usual, Phil made his way through the rose-colored maternity ward, which was surprisingly quiet today, and smiled at one of the doctors. He stopped briefly outside the glass of the nursery. The sleeping babies were so peaceful and innocent, with their squinty faces, each swaddled in the generic hospital blanket. He sighed. If only he could be so careless and little again. University application season was approaching, and fast, which Phil’s father never let him forget. He was supposed to follow in the footprints of his family and go into medicine, and while his dad never said he had to specifically be a surgeon, it was clear that’s what he really wanted. It was all exactly what Phil didn’t want to do. He’d already spent most of his childhood and adolescence in the hospital, he did not want to be there for the rest of his life.

He left the nursery and continued to the private ward, passing through the wide double doors, making a b-line for the lounge. He was incredibly tired after gym class that afternoon and just wanted to take a nap. But he was stopped in his path. Through the window of room 316 he saw someone on the bed. It was a boy, and despite having his back to Phil, he looked rather young. He had walnut colored curly hair and was wearing a pair of standard patient pajamas. His knees were curled up to his chest, and he just lied there on top of the still-made bed. Phil had almost missed him, the lights were off and the window blinds to outside were drawn shut, encasing the room in darkness apart from the slits coming in from the hallway window. The monitors were off, IV drip shoved in a corner. It was just the boy, alone, in darkness.

 _Odd_ , Phil thought. If he were a criminal there would be a guard outside the room, and if he were famous or important there would at least be an orderly nearby. But there was no one else around, only Phil and the mystery boy. Curiosity got the best of him and he went behind the station desk to the computer. Phil knew very well he wasn’t allowed to do this. But he couldn’t stop himself from pulling up the record for the new patient in room 316. Using the password he shouldn’t have known in the first place, Phil found the boy’s file and scanned it.

 _Daniel Howell. Huh._ The name didn’t ring any bells of famous people he knew. Daniel was 17, a year younger than Phil, but he couldn’t find anything else of interest in his records apart from the fact that they had the same blood type. When Phil tried to pull up the reason for admittance, the computer beeped at him and told him it was classified, which was even weirder. Phil stood up from the computer and looked back in at the perplexing Daniel Howell. He knew better than anyone that this ward could get incredibly lonely, and he felt bad. _I hope he doesn’t have the plague._ Phil adjusted the backpack on his shoulders and went into the lounge, hoping that even though they were a few rooms apart, Daniel might not feel so lonely with him on the same floor.

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

Dan stood in the middle of the unfamiliar room, in an unfamiliar hospital, wearing unfamiliar clothes. The pajamas they gave him actually had a top and a bottom this time, which was an upgrade from the uncomfortably exposing hospital gown. The shiny floors were cold under his feet, he didn’t put on the slippers. The walls were eggshell blue, matching the sheets on the hospital bed that was against the left wall. There was a small side table and trashcan on one side of the bed, an IV stand and monitor on the other. They were pushed into the corner, unused for now. There was a window to the hallway and under it was a small white couch made out of that fake shiny leather that squeaked, with a matching chair in the opposite corner of the room. Next to the door to his bathroom was a full-length mirror, and he didn’t dare look at himself. This was all that was in his room aside from a framed picture of yellow primroses above his bed. He felt like they were mocking him.

He hated this room, and he wasn’t completely sure why he was in it. Dan had woken up in the hospital after… after _it_ happened, and he didn’t remember how he got there. But the doctors kept asking questions and running tests and he briefly remembered talking to a police officer, but it was all a blur. He just knew that he hurt. All Dan wanted to do was leave and disappear forever, but they wouldn’t let him and told him they were transferring him to another room. His parents never showed up, no surprise there, and neither did anyone else. He just sat alone for hours, and even after the police had returned his phone Dan didn’t bother to check it.

 _I wonder if I’m in the psych ward._ The thought had been nagging in the back of his mind and he really didn’t want to consider it… but here he was, in a private room with a primrose on his wall and no clue why. It didn’t really feel like a mental ward though, considering how many easy ways there were for him to hurt himself, and the windows didn’t look shatterproof. _The only way to really know is to try and escape._

The door opened easily, he wasn’t locked in. It was when he stepped into the hallway that he realized that this was no psych floor. It was empty. _Where the actual fuck am I._ The nurse's station across from his room was abandoned and there was only one other patient's room in the tiny little unit, and it was dark and empty. He walked through the only other door and realized it was just a lounge, just as empty and unused as everything else here. Dan noticed the stairwell next to him. It would be so easy to just… leave. But the thought overwhelmed him. He was in a private room away from everyone for some reason, maybe he was dying. Dan stormed back into his room and fumbled to find a light switch. Then he violently pulled the blinds shut, the plastic clattering. The darkness comforted him, and he curled up on top of the bed and finally let go. The shuddering sobs didn’t stop once they started, and neither did the thoughts and memories that invaded his mind.

***

The whoosh of a door opening brought Dan back to reality. His face was sticky with dried tears, burning into his cheeks, his nose stuffy. He sniffled quietly and blinked the crust from his eyes; he didn’t know when he had fallen asleep. Dan stayed completely still and trained his ears in on the sounds coming from the hallway- he definitely wasn’t alone anymore. The feeling of someone watching him was unmistakable. The footsteps continued away, but he didn’t hear any of the other heavy wooden doors in the hallway open. When he felt it was safe, Dan turned as slow as possible, just enough so he could crane his neck around and look through the window.

 _It’s a kid?_ A tall boy, probably around Dan’s age, stood over a computer behind the nurse’s station. How he had access to the computer, Dan didn’t know, but the boy was striking. His black hair contrasted with the porcelain-like paleness of his skin. His face was sharp and pointed, a pair of large, thick glasses rested on his nose. He had a jacket and backpack on, but the collar of a blue button up poked out from under it. When the boy started to move Dan quickly snapped back and resumed his position. He heard the teenager walk away, not down the stairs or into the elevator, but into what Dan assumed was the lounge. Dan relaxed when the hallway was empty again and rolled onto his back. _What am I even doing here?_ He felt so alone with himself and his thoughts in the dark hospital room. But whoever the mysterious boy was, Dan was actually a little comforted by the fact that he had stayed.


	2. You're Not Dying

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

The fear knotted deep in his stomach, making Dan nauseous again. His heart was beating heavily in his chest, and it felt like there wasn’t even space behind his constricting ribcage to breathe, but somehow, he did. Something most definitely was not okay. Well, there were many, many things not okay currently, in fact, nothing had been okay since he stepped into that bar. But this was different, something had to be seriously wrong with him. The emptiness of the private ward a few days ago did not last for long. At first, there was only doctor seeing him, a nice, middle-aged lady named Dr. Lee, but now there were now doctors in and out of his room constantly, a nurse outside his room 24/7 at his every beck and call. Dan had lost count of the number of blood tests they had taken, today alone, and the numerous other samples and things they needed from him.

The most concerning of all, however, was the fact that his mother was here. She had shown up two days after he had moved rooms, he had been there now eight days total. His father wasn’t in attendance, but if he was then Dan would’ve assumed he only had days to live. Dan and his parents were not on the greatest of terms, and that was a massive understatement. They shipped him away to a boarding school as far from them as possible so they didn’t have to see the abomination that was their gay son. He was just fortunate they hadn’t completely cut him off, but his grandmother had seen to making sure Dan was comfortable.

Dr. Lee entered the room, her black hair neatly cut in a modern style at the neckline. She had a dark green belted dress on under her white coat, black heels clicking as she walked along the seamless tile floor. Two younger doctors followed behind her, the last one closing the door behind him. She seemed serious, and Dan straightened up in his bed.

“Am I dying?” Dan blurted out, earning a snicker from one of the other doctors.

“No, Mr. Howell, you’re dying,” she smiled off his flippancy and pulled a chair up next to his bed. “But there is an… anomaly… in your lab results that we need to check. I noticed this upon your arrival in A&E, and I didn’t want to release you until we could get more definitive answers.”

“And what is this ‘anomaly’ that is so serious he couldn’t just come back later?” Dan’s mom snipped at Dr. Lee.

“The problem is that we aren’t entirely sure, but it could prove extremely harmful to your son’s health. Along with these concerns, the consistent monitoring of Dan’s vitals and symptoms are essential to our case. Following his bloodwork today, we’ve decided that we’re going to get an abdominal ultrasound reading to see if there are any images we can work with and following that we may possibly need to get an MRI.”

“Does he have cancer?” For once, there was some actual concern in his mother’s voice.

“No, ma’am, like I said we’re not sure what this is.”

Dan’s mom continued to fight with the doctor, but Dan tuned them out and looked beyond his mother and out into the hallway. There, lingering in the corner of the nurse’s station was the boy from the other day, looking back at him through the window.

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

When Dan and Phil looked at each other, it was as if everything had slowed down, and the noise faded away. All Phil could see was Daniel and the look in his eyes. The pure, unfettered fear that looked back at him in those wide, brown eyes _hurt_. He was sitting up in his bed, slightly paler than Phil remembered him last. There was a woman to his right and a doctor that Phil recognized as Dr. Lee, speaking to Daniel on the other side of the bed, two residents beside her. Phil had no idea what was wrong with this Daniel Howell kid, whom he now called plague boy, but did he look so scared.

When word had first started going around about the boy in room 316, Phil was legitimately afraid that he might’ve actually had the plague. The concern was quelled, however, when Phil attempted to visit his preferred lounge again only to see how absurdly busy the ward was now. When he noticed his father amongst those in the crowd of doctors and nurses, Phil made a hasty exit and avoided the floor for a few days. Running into his father while killing time in the hospital was the worst, and he always got dragged into a surgical gallery to view some groundbreaking intervention or another. The last thing Phil wanted was to see this boy cut open on a table. He didn’t want to think about whatever horrible deadly disease this poor boy had that had everyone so worked up but left such terror in his eyes. _I can’t watch this._

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

“Dan? Dan,” Dr. Lee said, trying to get his attention. He looked back when the dark-haired boy had left.

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to be back in a few hours to take you to the exam room,” she darted a look at Dan’s mother, “it’ll be a private procedure. Until then just relax, and if anything is off or you get sick, let the nurse know. Okay?”

“Oh… okay.”

***

Telling a nurse if he felt sick was a very redundant thing to ask of Dan because he felt sick constantly. His anxiety was through the roof no matter what he did, and relaxing was impossible. Even the nurse had noted his high blood pressure when she came to check on him. His mother got tired of being in the same room as him and left to go sit somewhere else in the hospital, leaving Dan to tick away the minutes until Dr. Lee came back. Being alone constantly wasn’t helping him block all the thoughts that kept trying to come back, so he googled what ultrasounds were for. Other than on pregnant women, he learned they were used for literally anything. He had no idea you could even get an ultrasound on your brain.

“Ready to go, Dan?” Dr. Lee had finally arrived, pushing an empty wheelchair.

“I am perfectly capable of walking, you know.”

“Yes, but it’s policy. Just have a seat please,” she gestured for him to sit.

Rolling his eyes, he obliged and got wheeled through the double doors and into the hallway. Dan was relieved to finally see something else besides his room. The nurses tried to be helpful and bring him books and even a small TV, but after a week in the hospital, he had serious cabin fever _. Wow. I’ve been here a whole week. That’s so much school._ His thoughts on the massive amount of makeup work waiting for him when he got back to school was interrupted by a very loud scream, scaring the shit out of him, and he jumped in his chair.

“Your unit is just adjacent to maternity, that’s all,” she tried to assure him, but it did not help ease the million fears he had.

They finally stopped outside a door, and she let him get up and walk in himself, leaving the wheelchair along the wall. It was a very tiny room; a dark purple exam bed was to his right, a counter and some cabinets to the left, and a swivel chair and monitor on the far side of the bed.  Dr. Lee dimmed the lights slightly as Dan hoisted himself onto the end of the table, the paper crinkling, making him cringe.

“Just lie back and pull the hem of your shirt up for me please.”

He did as he was told, the angle of the bed slightly uncomfortable. She turned on and adjusted the monitor, slightly away from Dan, but he could still see it. He looked up instead, and there was a painting done on the ceiling tile directly above him. It was sky blue with little white clouds, three coral pink hot air balloons floating among them. It calmed him.

“I’m going to squeeze some jelly on your abdomen now, it will be cold.” He flinched at the sensation. “And this is called a transducer probe. I’m going to press down on your stomach with it, and it will emit ultrasound waves, and receive echoes back that will create the image I can see here. Just breathe and try not to tense up too much.”

 _Breathe. I can breathe, I’m not dead yet. She said I’m not dying. Breathe._ He stared intensely at the hot air balloons above him, trying hard to ease the tension that seized him as she pushed down a little harder just below his belly button. That’s where she stopped moving the wand and clicked something on the keyboard. He looked over ever so slightly at the screen. All he could see was grey static. But when he squinted at it, he saw a small, black fleck. _I’m dying._

***

Dan sat in one of the plush, leather chairs across from Dr. Lee’s desk, bouncing his leg nervously. He and his mom were taken to her office by an orderly, and this time he was allowed to walk. He hoped that meant maybe they would let him leave, or it meant that the speck on the monitor was cancer and he was going to die, with only months or even weeks to live. His thoughts raced faster than the jittering of his leg. His doctor came in from the hallway where she had been quietly discussing something with an older, serious looking man. Dan recognized him from somewhere but couldn’t quite place where.

“My team and I have been over much deliberation regarding you, Daniel. Your case has proved to be quite the enigma, but I’ve triple checked this diagnosis several times personally. Your basal body temperature was consistently high, there was a significant peak in hCG, along with the other slight symptoms you’ve reported. The ultrasound today has confirmed this. Mr. Howell, you’re pregnant.”


	3. Beaten the Impossible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: There is a brief scene in this chapter where non-consensual sexual acts are depicted. The scene is distinct from the rest of the story in italics and separated by asterisks (***). I’ve included this note so those who do not wish to read this can skip over it, as it will not affect the progression or understanding of the main storyline.
> 
> This is the last chapter I have already written so far, and it's a bit longer. I'll try to add another in a few days or so.
> 
> Special thanks to those who read the first chapter only minutes after I posted it!!

_**Dan's Perspective** _

“ExCUSE ME?” Mrs. Howells shrill voice was the first to break the silence.

“I know, this is very confusing and sensitive, and there are so many unknowns. But the scientific evidence does not lie,” Dr. Lee slid a printed sonogram image across the table to them. There, amongst the grey and white, was the black fleck again.

Dan pushed his chair back so quickly it nearly toppled behind him. He ran into the bathroom and fumbled to push the lock in before falling to his knees in front of the toilet. He lifted the lid and he proceeded to throw up the very little food he had eaten that day. Even after he had emptied the contents of his stomach, he continued to dry heave, clinging onto the rim of the bowl. He was only able to stop when dizziness and exhaustion overtook him, and he fell against the wall. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, his breath was labored.

There was a knock at the door. “Daniel?”

“Just a minute,” his voice shook.

“Take your time.”

Dan couldn’t put his thoughts together. It made no sense, it shouldn’t be possible. But… if it were… the thought almost made him want to vomit again. He was so confused and the only person who could do anything was Dr. Lee, despite him wanting so badly to just fade into the wall. Dan pulled himself up off the floor, still shaking and wobbly, and steadied himself against the sink. It was time to face the truth.

Back in Dr. Lee’s office, his mother had left. He was assured that she was going to be contacted and that their staff would figure something out with her. Frankly, he didn’t want his mother there anyway. She was the last person he wanted to see. Another doctor had come into the office, the serious man from the hallway. He was Dr. Lester, chief of surgery. His hair was graying, and he looked to be about fifty or so. He spoke in very emotionless tones unless it was about something he was proud of, like the work Dr. Lee was going to do or the facilities that the hospital had to offer Dan.

They explained to Dan the science of what they assumed had happened, but he didn’t listen. He was scheduled to do more imaging tests and they continued to blab on and on about stuff he didn’t know. All he heard was that they needed him to stay. He had to stay there for however long, to be constantly watched and checked, and so they could get detailed notes and findings. He was their lab rat. That’s all they wanted of him. A science experiment on this freak of nature 17-year-old boy.

When Dr. Lester had left, Dan finally said something. “This… this isn’t even possible.”

She looked at him with pity. “It looks like you’ve beaten the impossible. Are you okay?”

“No,” he said bluntly.

“Now, Dan, we want you to be as comfortable as possible. Let our nurses know if you need anything, and they will get it for you. We’ll have your mother bring you some personal belongings you can keep here, and you can wear some of your own clothes. But most importantly you’re going to need support. We can support your physical health, and our team of psychiatrists can support your mental health, especially considering the sensitive nature of how this happened. But is there anyone who can be here with you, a friend or someone, perhaps?”

“Not really.”

“Well anyone on your case will be very willing to talk with you, and if there is anyone you want to come visit we will figure something out. But I also want to inform you of the options you have from here. You are not required to continue with this if you don’t want to, and we will find a way to help with that.”

"What do you mean, options?” It was the first time someone had actually told him he could make his own choices here.

“If you do not want to attempt to carry this pregnancy, we completely understand and will schedule a procedure to terminate it. If you can carry the child to term, but do not want to raise it, we can provide you with excellent adoption candidates.”

“Oh,” Dan hadn’t even thought about that.

***

He was alone in his room again. Finally, he was in his own t-shirt and sweatpants. His mother had brought by some of the stuff from his room at boarding school, and it sat in boxes along the wall. They said they would get him a desk and some other stuff to make the room homier. Dan didn’t care. Before his mother left, he told her that they had given him the option to not have to do it. He should’ve known better.

“You are going to have that disgusting thing and let the doctors take it far away and then your father and I are sending you to school in France.”

“I don’t want to go to fucking France.”

“I don’t care!”

And she left. And he was alone. And somehow, he was pregnant. Dan still didn’t believe it was true. Dr. Lee had given him a copy of his file so he could read the findings for himself, but he didn’t open it. He knew the sonogram picture was paperclipped right on top of everything, and he didn’t want to see it.  The doctors just had to be wrong, and he would prove it.

Dan hopped on the elevator to go downstairs. The orderly behind the desk didn’t stop him; he was given free range of hospital grounds. While the floors ticked by, he fixed his hair and attempted to look less like a patient. Dan knew that the word had spread there was some special patient, he had overheard the Doctor Lester-chief-important guy telling the nurses his floor was to be kept secure for privacy, and that the “rumors” were getting shut down. Basically, no curious med students were allowed to see the freak on the third floor.

Navigating around the first floor was harder than he thought, and he tried not to look suspicious, he just needed to find the gift shop. It was just off the corner of the lobby when he finally stumbled across it, and as he expected, what he was looking for was there. Dan grabbed a pregnancy test and put it down on the counter, not looking at the young girl behind the counter while muttering that it was for his girlfriend. A complete lie. Once he had the test, he headed right back for the elevator to his unit, checking over his shoulder that no one had seen him yet.

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil was draped over two chairs in a corner of the front lobby, nodding off into his science textbook. A growl from his stomach woke him up. _Ughhh._ This was one of his least favorite places to kill time in the hospital. The chairs were uncomfortable, and time seemed to go slower here, boring him even more than his reading on genetics. Judging by the fact that it was just past seven and he had gotten no texts, his dad was working overtime. He shoved his books into his bag and got up to find his dad. If it weren’t for plague boy, Phil would’ve been content in the lounge of the private wing where he had a stash of snacks. But when he tried to go there today, a tough male nurse stopped him and said that the unit was secured, and he shouldn’t bother coming back anytime soon.

So, seeing this boy, Daniel, casually walking down a side hallway of the first floor was a bit of a surprise. He was heading towards the elevator that brings you directly to the private ward, wearing a white graphic tee and black sweatpants, almost blending in with the general public if it weren’t for the hospital slippers _. So, he’s allowed to just walk around unmonitored? What the hell?_

Something very odd was going on with this boy. He was occupying the private wing for an unknown amount of time, requiring it to be secured, yet the actual reason for him being there wasn’t disclosed. Phil had hovered around some of the gossipy nurses, trying desperately to overhear anything of worth, but even they didn’t know why he was there. Just that the boy in 316 was cared for in accident and emergency a week ago before he was transferred upstairs. The only person Phil knew who had the answers he was looking for was his father.

He knocked three times before going in. “Dad?”

“Oh, Phil. I forgot to let you know I was working overtime,” his dad looked up from his computer, a large stack of books and files scattered on his desk. This came as no surprise.

“I figured. Should I get a bus home?”

“I’ll be finished in an hour or two if you’re willing to wait. Here, I’ll give you money. Go get something to eat.”

Phil took the money but didn’t leave. He looked down, unsure if he should even ask his dad this question. “Thanks. I also had a question, though.”

“And what’s that?” Phil’s dad peered over the rim of his reading glasses.

“The boy in room 316… I’ve heard a lot of people talking about him. Why is he being held in the private wing?”

He scoffed. “Phil, you know perfectly well that I can’t tell you that. You shouldn’t even ask, I don’t want you participating in hospital gossip.”

“Oh. It’s just that’s the lounge I like to stay in after school.”

“The only way you’re getting privileges to that lounge is if the kid himself gives you permission and that’s not going to happen. So just drop it, okay? I don’t want you near that boy’s room.” Dr. Lester said sternly. “Now go get yourself something to eat and I’ll let you know when I’m leaving.”

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

The seconds on Dan’s phone timer ticked down excruciatingly slow. He was in his bathroom, anxiously tapping on the rim of the sink. _Just hurry up already!_ Dan swore that time had decided to slow down just in this moment, to make these three minutes the most enduring in his life. Then there was the little buzz of his phone, but to him, it was a fire alarm ringing in his ears. He jumped to turn the noise off, nearly dropping his phone in the process. It was time. Dan picked up the little plastic stick with shaky hands and read the display window. Two distinct blue lines.

“NO! It’s impossible!” He threw the test to the floor and it clattered, skidding across the tile.

Dan sunk to his knees, breaking down into sobs. It defied all rules of logic and biology, yet somehow it was true. One week ago, he had walked into a bar, and now he was in a hospital crying on the floor next to a positive pregnancy test.

***

_It was a sleazy bar, but it was Dan’s first time trying out his fake ID and he didn’t want to risk it. Honestly, it wasn’t like him to do something like this, let alone by himself. He went to boarding school for Christ’s sake, there was almost always a shot at scoring some beer off someone in the dorms. But Dan wanted the experience, he wanted the risk. As confidentially as he could manage, Dan walked to the bar and ordered a drink. He showed his ID when the bartender raised an eyebrow suspiciously, but he accepted it, and started preparing the drink for him. Honestly, Dan was shocked it worked, and when the alcohol mixed with the adrenaline pumping through his veins, he felt invincible. It was time to have some real fun, and he headed to the dance floor._

_In the bathroom a couple drinks later, Dan wiped the sweat from his forehead and tried to make himself look a bit more presentable before he left. He didn’t want some prefect catching him looking totally wasted when he snuck back into the dorms, although he completely was. The sound of the music flooded back into the room when someone else entered, and it hid the sound of the door locking behind the stranger._

_The man was big and burly, with wild orange hair and goatee. His belly stuck out over the waist of his jeans, where the hem of his gray button up was coming untucked. He sauntered over to Dan, leaning against the sticky steel sink._

_"I saw you out there dancing, how do you get your hips to move like that?” The stranger's voice was deep, with a charming sing-song quality that swirled._

_“I dunno… didya like it?” Dan slurred as he tried to flirt back._

_"Oh, you have no idea how much I loved it. Do you think I could get a private show?”_

_Dan giggled and did a little sway for the strange but alluring man._

_“That’s absolutely sinful,” he said, the final word dripping from his tongue. He grabbed Dan by the ass, shoving his lips onto Dan’s._

_This, Dan was not expecting. It was fun to tease with the man a little, but he never signified for a kiss. The alcohol had made his mind cloudy and slow, and he didn’t react instinctively. By the time he could think enough to put his arms up and push away, the stranger had already tightened his grip, forcing him back into the corner. His tongue had forced its way into Dan’s mouth and it tasted of scotch, which reminded him of his father. Dan tried to turn his head away, but instead, the man bit down on his lip and Dan cried out in pain. The man clasped a hand over his mouth, muffling Dan’s shouts of protest. He looked Dan dead in the eyes, violent and evil._

_“Keep your mouth shut or you’ll get a lot worse than this,” he threatened, before flipping Dan around and shoving him against the wall._

_Dan didn’t know what to do, his arms pinned behind his back, cheek scraping against the rough walls. When he felt the man tug down his pants, Dan shut his eyes and willed his mind to go elsewhere, dissociating._

***

The tile was cold on his face, which felt nice in contrast to the hot tears that stained them. Dan was in a heap on the floor, his breaths still ragged, but slowly his senses were returning. A panic attack had left him curled up, muscles tingling and tensing involuntarily, eventually going numb. The last thing he remembered was hyperventilating which made him dizzy, blurring his vision before he blacked out. The pregnancy test, which was discarded on the floor a few feet from him, reminded Dan of where he was and what had happened.

_Fuck._

Cautiously, Dan stretched his arms and legs, full circulation restoring and so he got up. His reflection in the mirror was awful. Red puffy cheeks and sullen, sleep-deprived eyes. He splashed some water on his face and tried to look less like death before turning his focus to the test on the floor. Dan was almost afraid to touch it, like it was some animal that would bite him if he got too close. The reading on it was undoubtedly positive.

_How did this happen to me?_

The test was put away on a shelf in the mirror cabinet. He didn’t want to necessarily throw it away, but neither did he want to keep looking at it, the image of the positive lines was already permanently etched into his mind. Dan tried to turn his focus to elsewhere, so he looked out the window and to the bustling quad of the hospital below him.

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

There were a million reasons to not do this. Namely, he could get caught, and have to deal with the wrath of his father. But that thought didn’t stop Phil from picking up an order of chicken nuggets and fries in addition to his own meal from the McDonalds around the corner of the hospital. It was just about time for the nurses to turn over shifts, meaning that he’d have just enough time to sneak onto the floor and try to talk to the boy in room 316, Daniel. Ultimately, yes, he really just wanted to be able to stay in the lounge after school. But there was something about this kid that made Phil curious. He all alone in that wing, guarded from everyone else, like fairytale princesses that were locked away in a high tower in need of saving by their true love.

Phil took the back stairs up to the third floor, luckily able to slip through unnoticed while the orderlies and nurses were elsewhere, getting ready to leave. He hovered outside of the room, unsure of what to do, but the boy had noticed his presence from his spot looking out the window.

“Are you fucking stalking me?”

Phil retracted at the sudden anger. “I… no, I’m sorry.” He gathered back some confidence and walked in, holding a hand out to shake. “I’m Phil Lester. The chief’s son. That’s why I’m um always around.”

“What are you doing here?”

“You just seemed… a little alone I guess. I didn’t know if you wanted someone to talk to or something,” Phil said. His offer for a handshake was left hanging.

“Well I don’t need anyone, so leave me the fuck alone, will you?”

“Oh… okay. I got you some food, I know the stuff they give you here probably sucks. I didn’t know what you liked though. I’ll be around I guess, sorry again,” he left the bag on the table by the door and left before he could get snapped at again. He didn’t see Dan reach for the bag after he had left, hungrily scarfing the food down.

_No matter what it takes, I’m going to get him to talk to me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the boys finally meet, eep!!! I hope you liked what I have so far. Not sure what's in store for the next few chapters, but I like Phil sneaking around like a spy. I guess we'll see what happens next!


	4. Surpassing Desperate

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

Dan was propped up against the wall of his bathroom, trying to control his heavy breathing. His leg twitched, little pins and needles pricking at his nerves after having knelt over the toilet for too long. He was exhausted, and his eyes drooped sleepily. A nurse was dabbing at the sweat that beaded on his forehead and the cold washcloth felt so nice. Dan was beginning to recognize the nurses who were on his team, this was Anna. They preferred it when he used their first names. She was the oldest of his doctors and nurses and looked to be in her late 60’s. Her hair was short and curly, dyed black with the gray of her roots sticking out.

“Come on Dan, we need to get you back in bed.”

“I don’t… I don’t want to,” he said wearily.

“ _This_ is why we gave you a bin, but you think you’re too good for it, don’t you?”

She hoisted him up from his spot in the corner. He was throwing up multiple times a night, and it was wearing on him. He’d rather sleep on the bathroom floor and maybe then he could finally get some sort of rest.

Anna handed Dan a glass of water from his bedside table once she had gotten him back into bed. “You need to drink more or else I will have some junior nurses practice their IV skills on you in the morning.”

He only nodded in reply, sleep already beginning to take over.

***

The sound of an orderly leaving Dan his breakfast tray woke him up. At least today the smell hadn’t woken him up first; the scent of bacon had him flying to the bathroom the other morning. Dan’s dieticians made their best effort to give him decent food, but he was on a strict diet from now on. The best thing he had in days was the fast food Phil had brought him, and it made him feel really bad for snapping at the poor boy. He bought Dan food when he didn’t even know who he was; it was the nicest thing anyone had done for him here.

He rolled over in bed and sat up, pulling his side table over. Lifting the lid from his tray he revealed- _a bowl of plain Cheerios. Wow so creative._

“Dan! Glad to see you’re up. Did you end up getting enough sleep last night?” Dr. Lee waltzed into his room, far too peppy for 8 in the morning.

“Eventually.” He mumbled and ate a spoonful of his cereal.

“Since the nausea and vomiting are getting worse I’ve given you something that should help,” she set a cup of pills and vitamins on his tray, “and I need you to eat all your breakfast this morning. I know it’s hard to keep most things down, so that’s why I had them bring you something a bit easier on your stomach,” she said as she walked over and grabbed his charts, flipping through the notes.

“Dr. Lee?” Dan asked for her attention quietly.

“I’ve told you, please call me Jennifer. We’ll be spending a lot of time together.”

“ _Jennifer,_ ” Dan emphasized, “I was wondering what I’m supposed to do about school. I’ve missed like three weeks now.”

“Ah yes, thank you for reminding me to tell you. It’s important to us that you stay caught up on your studies while you’re here, especially if you plan to finish on time. We’re trying to find you a private tutor, but they need to be someone we can trust.”

“Oh, okay.”

Dan was disappointed. He didn’t completely hate boarding school. It wasn’t easy, and he hadn’t made too many friends, but he was warming up to the place when he had wound up stuck in a hospital.

“If you’d like, we can get you some books and work for you now, if you want to get started on your own. Would that be good?” She looked up from his charts, softening from her usual doctor façade. He was still a kid, after all, spending all his time alone in a hospital could get quite boring.

“Actually yeah, thanks,” Dan smiled a little.

* * *

 

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil sat in the courtyard, trying to discreetly count the windows of the third floor. All of his attempts to run into Daniel again had failed. He didn’t want to sneak back into his room because, frankly, that seemed desperate. But he reached desperate two days ago and a nurse had caught him lingering near the private ward. Surpassing desperate, he wanted any excuse to see the lonely boy again, which led him here, trying to determine if it were possible to get his attention from outside the window.

 _This is creepy. I’m creeping on this poor kid and what for? He doesn’t want to see me._ When Daniel had told him to go the other night, it honestly hurt. Phil thought that bringing him food was a sure plan because the food the hospital gave patients wasn’t appetizing, but he thought wrong. But despite the sting that interaction had left, the Daniel boy in room 316 hadn’t left his mind. He couldn’t stop wondering what was so top secret about his case, why he was staying there for so long, or why he was so alone. Phil was pulled from his thoughts when his phone buzzed. It was his dad telling him that he was working overtime. _Guess I’ll just stay here then._

The courtyard was a nice place to stay, if the weather was permitting. It sat in the middle of the main hospital complex, four stories of windows towering around him on all sides. The sun reflected off the shiny glass and silver façade of the building and onto the fountain situated in the center of the courtyard. Phil was on a bench in the far corner, avoiding the doctors sat around the tables eating and working.

He looked out over the other people, trying to find some familiar face. Lots of people knew who he was, it was hard not to when Phil had been coming to work with his father since he was very young. His dad had always abandoned him with one of the orderlies or younger nurses and some of them were still working here today. Anna was his favorite and as he had grown up, she was who Phil went to for advice. She was scarce seen around anymore, tied up with some big project that the staff wouldn’t shut up about.

Phil took a second look just then, noticing someone in the opposite corner of the courtyard. _No, it can’t be._ But surely, there he was. The one and only Daniel. He had his back to Phil, leaning over a book, hiding in the shade of some trees. He was in a pair of black skinny jeans with a black t-shirt, blending into the shadows. This was Phil’s chance, and he wasn’t going to waste it.

* * *

 

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

“Math, huh? Trig was never my strong suit. Too many funny angle names.” A chirpy, familiar voice startled Dan from the thoughtless space he had drifted into while attempting to study.

“Huh… oh. You.” It was Phil, awkwardly smiling at him with a bookbag slung over his shoulder.

“Yeah. It’s me.”

An uncomfortable silence settled between them as they looked at each other, waiting for the other to do something.

Dan was the one to finally speak. “Look, I’m sorry for snapping at you the other night. I actually really liked the food you brought me. Like a lot. Thanks.”

Tension visibly left Phil’s shoulders and he slumped into the chair across from Dan. “Of course. So… is staring at that textbook working for you?”

"No,” Dan dropped his head into his hands, exasperated. “Far from it. I don’t know what I was thinking, trying to teach myself math. It’s useless.”

“Actually, once you learn how to study right, it’s not that hard. I have an independent study in the afternoons, so it’s basically all I do. I can help you,” Phil said as he pulled his chair up next to Dan.

“Oh, thank you. It’s Phil, right? I’m Dan.”

* * *

 

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

The two boys had been studying for over an hour. Phil showed him his favorite websites and YouTube channels that helped him study and learn, and how to divide up the problems in the book for a good mix of difficulty levels. Inevitably, their conversation wandered away from the triangles and equations in front of them. They talked about school at first; Dan was in year 12 and Phil was in year 13. From school, they shifted to other easy topics, like music and video games, where they realized they had a lot in common, like Muse and Mario Kart.

The math they had been working on was long forgotten and they were laughing like old friends. Dan was quiet and reserved, and at first, he would only respond in short sentences. But Phil’s quirky comments and jokes had slowly broken down the polite and controlled act. Phil noticed that Dan was always keeping a certain distance from him, and even when they were looking over the same book he sat as far back in his chair as possible. He didn’t seem uncomfortable, but he obviously didn’t want to be touched. Not even a graze of the hand. Phil respected it, especially considering Dan was a patient, even if he didn’t look or act like one. In fact, he still couldn’t tell why he was in the hospital in the first place.

_Can I ask him? ‘Hey Dan, what are you in for?’ That sounds like I’m asking a prisoner what crime they committed. Maybe if I just slipped it into the conversation-_

“Hey, Phil?” The cautious tone of Dan’s voice caught Phil’s attention.

“Yeah?”

“What were you doing in my wing, when it was only me there? It was a while ago before you brought me the food, but you came in when I had first shown up and went into the other room,” his question was not a random wondering, it was deliberate and strategic.

Phil laughed. “I guess me wandering around in a private ward does make me seem like a stalker. But that’s my favorite lounge to hang out in after school. I like to hide from my dad and the all the hospital chaos there while I wait to go home. I can’t do that anymore though, not without rights from you.”

When the tiny smile that had been gracing Dan’s face fell, Phil realized he answered the question wrong.

* * *

 

_**Dan’s Perspective** _

“Wait, are you just talking to me so I can let you into my fucking ward?”

“No, I-”

Dan stood up quickly, gathering his stuff. “I’m sorry you wasted your time because I don’t want you anywhere near it. So kindly, fuck off,” Dan said, viciously.

He snatched his books from the table and left without looking back, trying to find the quickest way to get back upstairs. Tears pricked to his eyes and he brushed them away, getting more upset that he couldn’t even control his emotions. Chatting with Phil had been the most normal Dan had felt in a month. He had forgotten about everything else, just being able to sit there and talk to someone about bands and school and TV or really anything. _Everyone here only wants to use me._

Suddenly Dan realized he had no idea where he was. On his blind quest to get away from Phil, he had gone down so many side corridors that he had lost the main hallway. Turning in circles, he didn’t recognize anything. Dan hadn’t explored the hospital much at all and had no idea how to get around except by the main walkways. _Shit._

“Dan, Dan wait up! Where are you going?” The familiar voice called after Dan, running up the hallway.

“Don’t you take a hint? I want you to Stop. Finding. Me. _Please._ ”

“Will you ever let me freaking explain?” Phil snapped back at him. “I don’t care about the damn lounge anymore Dan. I’ve been coming here since I was a kid and the only people I ever get to talk to are the nurses. If you haven’t noticed, it’s an incredibly lonely place, but you’re the first person I’ve met that’s actually kinda cool. I just wanted someone to talk to, not the lounge. Just stop running away from me,” he pleaded his case to Dan, hoping the boy wouldn’t take off again.

“Oh.” The silence that fell was heavy with Phil’s words. Dan hadn’t even considered that maybe Phil was actually trying to be nice and that not everyone was out for him. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, I get it. This random weird kid is always around and then breaks into your room with food. You’re a patient, I shouldn’t be bothering you. But I just want to… help you with your homework and stuff. If you’d let me.”

Phil’s eyes were shiny and blue, begging for a second chance. Dan looked away from them, ashamed he was so quick to judge. “I.. um yeah. I’d like that.”

“Cool. So uh…” It was suddenly very awkward.

“Where the hell are we?” Dan asked, gesturing to the random empty hallway they had stopped in.

Phil looked at the number on the nearest door. “Literally the middle of nowhere. You’re lucky I know my around,” he started off towards a set of doors, “I’ll show you where the fancy cafeteria is that they probably don’t want you to know about,” He smiled deviously.

“There’s a what?” Dan’s eyes grew wide and he realized how hungry he was.

“There’s a lot of things around here you don’t know of. If you stick around, maybe I’ll show you my favorites.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really didn't mean to have so much time between chapters, but to be completely honest I am going to be total crap about keeping it updated. I was working on the structure though since the last three chapters just came out of nowhere, and I have a better idea of where this is going. I hope you stick around because I'm excited.   
> Thanks for reading!!


	5. Harmless

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Dan and Phil were sitting in a corner of the lobby huddled over Dan’s laptop. They were sitting side by side on a lumpy, pale blue couch. Dan left just enough space between them, so they wouldn’t bump shoulders when they laughed.

“Phil, you’re a genius!”

“Am not,” Phil blushed at Dan’s compliment.

“I’ve gone through like five tutors in one week and none of this made sense until now.”

“Oh, shush,” he giggled, shoving Dan playfully.

Dan put his assignment down and looked directly at Phil. “Seriously. You’re good at explaining stuff.”

Phil decided not to fight back- the look Dan was giving him was too endearing. He smiled and motioned for Dan to finish his work. The two boys have been meeting each other for the past week, ever since Phil gave Dan his number if he needed more homework help. When Dan texted him the next day whining about science, Phil didn’t hesitate to promise that he’d find him after school. It was nice to have someone he could talk to at the hospital and waiting for his dad to finish work wasn’t that boring anymore. But he didn’t barter on that someone being a patient.

The question was nagging at him constantly. _Why are you here? How sick are you?_ Phil didn’t have a clue of how to ask him. Was it even okay to ask? It wasn’t exactly okay that he was doing whatever _this_ was with Dan in the first place. How could Phil forget how serious his father was about not bothering Dan. Pissing his dad off was not something he had on his to-do list. That’s why they had been meeting in the lobby. It didn’t seem like the most secretive of locations, but it was the only place his father never went.

 _I'm_   _just helping him with homework. It’s harmless._

“Okay, I’m finally done, thanks to you. Wanna play a game on my computer?” Dan asked, shoving the textbooks to the floor, comfortably settling into the couch.

“Totally.”

* * *

 

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

Spending all day in his room was annoying. Dan could go anywhere in the hospital if he wanted, so long as he followed his schedule and had his phone, but it wasn’t any fun without Phil. He spent all day looking forward to seeing him now and drove off three potential tutors, just so Phil could help him instead. It was so nice to talk to someone his own age, and Phil _was_ really good at schoolwork. He made Dan forget where he was and what was happening to him. He felt more like an actual person with Phil and not like a patient, a science experiment, a freak of nature.  

Dan was still all of those things, however, and he currently felt half dead, spread out on his stomach like a starfish. White sheets were tangled with his legs and he only had on one sock- the other was lost somewhere between his bed and the bathroom. He had absolutely no energy to do anything, not even scroll on his phone. This was when Dr. Lee decided to make her daily visit.

“Hello Daniel, glad to see you’ve had a productive day so far.”

He groaned.

“I’m sorry to have to disturb you from your very important activities, but you know the drill,” Dr. Lee said as she adjusted his bed up.

Dan complied and rolled over, but not without more sounds of discontent. As Dr. Lee pulled the ultrasound machine over from its spot in the corner, he pushed his shirt up and crossed his arms. They had to do ultrasounds often and he passionately despised it. Dan assumed his usual position of staring pointedly at the ceiling as she squeezed the gel onto his stomach. He flinched every time at the chill.  

“Has your nausea improved any since you’ve been taking the new medication?”

“Slightly."

“The mood swings?”

“I think you can tell,” Dan rolled his eyes to accompany his sarcasm.

He hated this. The questions, the feeling of the wand on his stomach, the flicker of the screen he could see in his peripheral vision. He refused to directly look at it, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from glancing in that direction. It still looked like nothing to Dan, but the changes that were occurring were undeniable. He watched every week as that small, black speck grew. This week something new caught his attention, and he looked over ever so slightly. The movement was still not lost on Dr. Lee, who adjusted the screen for Dan. Within the black blob, which was now about the size of his thumbprint, was a teeny tiny grey dot. He wasn’t dumb. Dan knew what it was. What it meant. But he turned his head in the opposite direction and refused to acknowledge it.

Dr. Lee took this as her cue to finish up. She pressed some buttons and Dan heard the noise of the small printer that was under the machine. Every image went into his file that was kept in a plastic pocket on the wall. He never looked in it. The smeared gel was wiped from his stomach and he pulled his blankets up.

“Well Dan, you’re doing just fine. Except for your attitude, that is,” She crossed her legs and sat back in her swivel chair, looking pointedly at him.

“Just blame it on the hormones,” he quipped.

“This is a concerning matter, Dan. Your attitude is just as important as your physical health. You’ve driven out three tutors and we all want you to stay committed to finishing school on time, regardless of what happens with your case. Are you sure you really want to continue with this? I’m always available to go over your options with you.”

He sighed. She was right. “It’s just… a lot. And bitter sarcasm is my drink of choice.”

“Your team and I agree that having someone here to talk to would be very beneficial. Are you sure there aren’t any friends or relatives that would want to visit?” She asked tenderly.

 _Phil._ This was his opportunity. She’s there and concerned and wants to help. Phil made him feel normal. Phil helped him with school. Phil knew the hospital. But he was the chief’s son. That had to mean something. He was taking too long to answer her. Dan went for it.

“Well, there is someone I guess…”

***

Dan didn’t know why he was pacing. _Phil won’t be mad, right?_ All he did was ask. There’s no harm in asking for Phil to be his official tutor. It would make it easier to see him and maybe then they wouldn’t have to sit in the lobby. He probably should’ve run the idea by him first. _But it’s not like he would turn me down… I think._ Dr. Lee hadn’t even approved it yet, there were too many factors to consider first. Factors Dan didn’t want to think about.

Her warnings kept ringing in his ear. _Daniel, I don’t think you’re comprehending the whole situation. Phil’s a great kid and I know him personally. But he’s not family or close friends. He’s not medical personnel. He’s not allowed the same rights._

Despite insisting that Phil would just be his tutor and that someone his own age is better than a random old lady nurse, she wasn’t convinced. The idea had to pass by Dr. Lester, Phil’s dad. Dan’s only met him once and he wasn’t thrilled that he had the final authority over Dan’s case and not himself. Phil probably wouldn’t be happy that his dad had to get involved either. They didn’t talk about stuff like that, their conversation was usually light, but Dan could tell that he and his dad weren’t very close. But if Phil and his dad agreed with his plan, then maybe the next few months wouldn’t be entirely awful.

* * *

 

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

When he walked into the lobby Dan was already waiting for him which was unusual. Most days Phil would shoot him a text to let him know he was there and Dan would come downstairs to meet him. But something was up; the other boy’s hair was a mess and his clothes were wrinkly, he hadn’t brought any books with him, and he was anxiously pacing in the corner where they usually sat. _Oh no. Please be okay._

“Uh, hey Dan. Looks like you beat me here.”

“Phil!” Dan turned and smiled excitedly.

Phil laughed. “Yep, it’s me. Here as usual. What’s up?”

They sat down on their usual couch and Dan was nervously playing with his hands.

“So, I have a… proposition… for you. You can say no, you don’t have to, and I realize I probably should have texted you first or something. It’s stupid really, I just-”

Phil cut him off. “Dan. Spit it out.”

“Do you wanna be my official tutor?”

There was a beat while he comprehended the question, and Dan was readying to fill the silence with more word vomit. But as a smile grew on Phil’s face, Dan visibly relaxed. Phil didn’t waste the opportunity to tease him first, however.

“Oh, I don’t know, your math skills are such a hopeless case,” he broke into a fit of giggles.

“Hey! I’m not that hopeless!”

Phil was flattered that Dan thought he was good enough at school to teach him. He smiled brightly, but the other boy didn’t return his excitement and instead looked worried. It was impossible to read Dan; he always seemed so anxious yet laughed and joked with Phil like everything was alright.

“Is that really all you wanted to ask me? Is something else wrong?”

Dan sighed. “I really want you to be my tutor. It would be so much easier and you’re not a bore like the others. But it’s not my final say. It’s your uh… father. He has to approve it.”

A weight fell on Phil’s shoulders and he sunk into the couch cushions. Of course, it was his dad, it was always him. It felt like he could never escape the seemingly endless bounds of his father’s authority and it bothered him more and more every day. Everything had to have the Dr. Lester stamp of approval. Everything.

“Really?” Phil asked, his voice quiet and small.

“Yeah. That’s going to be a problem isn’t it?”

Phil nodded in response, and they sat there in quiet. Their surroundings became increasingly present and they watched the activities of the busy hospital on the outskirts of London. A little boy walked in with his parents wearing a football uniform, holding an ice pack to his head. Getting injured in sports was not something either boy could relate to. A young woman paced on the other side of the room, tears streaming down her face. Nearest to them an elderly man sat alone, perfectly composed, his head bowed slightly. The lobby was where the two teenagers found their escape. But for everyone else, the lobby was inescapable as they waited for news that could alter their lives forever. Both experiences existed on the same plane of existence that’s separate from everyday reality.

Acknowledging how deeply depressing the setting was broke Phil from his contemplation and he stood. “I think I need to go talk to my dad.”

Dan looked up at Phil, his eyes wide and puppy-like. “Do you think he’ll say no?”

“Probably,” he sighed.

* * *

 

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

The water slowly filled the bathtub as Dan sat on the floor next to it, waiting for it to finish. He preferred showers, but he felt like he would throw up if he stood for too long. It had been an entirely too long, rough day. When Phil left to talk to his dad he told Dan not to wait for him, but he did anyway, for a whole hour. He could’ve waited longer but he was hit was an unbearable wave of nausea combined with back pain and wanted to curl up in his bed. Phil still hadn’t texted him either, which he promised to.

When the bath had filled so his knees would be covered, Dan stopped the water and climbed in, leaving his towel on the floor beside his phone. The warmth immediately started soothing his back. _Why haven’t I done this before?_ His eyelids drooped, and he sank lower in the water, finally enjoying a moment of peace. Then his phone buzzed. Dan scrambled to dry his hands and read the notification.

 **Phil:** My dad is really pissed :(

 **Dan:** Seriously?

 **Phil:** I’ve been trying to talk to him for hours now

 **Phil:** He won’t freaking listen

 **Dan:** What is so wrong with tutoring me?

 **Phil:** Idk I’m sorry

 **Dan:** Don’t be sorry

 **Dan:** I should’ve asked you first

 **Phil:** No, it’s all my fault

 **Phil:** I should never have talked to you

 **Dan:** Don’t say that

 **Phil:** He’s saying I can’t be your friend

 **Phil:** That I can’t go to the hospital anymore

 **Phil:** Idk what to do

 **Phil:** I’m sorry

 **Phil:** I need to go

              **Dan:** No don’t go we can still text

              **Dan:** Are you there?

              **Dan:** Please Phil

              **Dan:** Please

When he didn’t receive another text, Dan dropped his phone to the floor and let his tears drip silently into the bath water.  He didn’t want to lose his only friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry it took a whole month to post this chapter. But I recently got some great motivation and finished it. It's a bit of a cliff hanger since I split up my original concept for this chapter into two to make it shorter. I hope you enjoyed it, and I'm pretty exicted for some of the upcoming plot points that are going to happen, so look forward to the next two posts.


	6. Confidence

_**Dan’s Perspective** _

The faint noise of flipping pages echoed throughout Dan’s quiet room and it was peaceful. The blinds were partially shut so only slats of sunlight filtered in and it cast shadows on his copy of Lois Lowry’s _The Giver_. The paperback bent in his hands as he read intently, captivated by the dystopian universe, one of the only times he actually liked what he was assigned to read. Dan was unaware that his legs were going numb- he was sitting on them, curled up into the small vinyl chair in an odd, contorted position. But as he was pulled further and further into the novel, his surroundings disappeared, and he didn’t notice when his nurse, Anna, had walked in.

“That’s a good book,” Anna interrupted his deep concentration, “you should read her book Son next, it’s about the same society.”

“Oh, uh yeah. I’ll look into that,” Dan said, startled.

The nurse pulled his file from its pocket on the wall and sat down next to him in a swivel chair. Instinctively, Dan offered her his wrist so she could take his pulse and he sat the book on a side table.

“It’s been a few days since you’ve gone to see your friend. Where did he go to?”

It was an innocent question, but Dan tensed up and Anna squeezed his hand lightly to get him to relax while she took his vitals.

“He… he’s not allowed to visit me anymore.” Dan picked at a hole of the chair, avoiding any further conversation on the topic. When Anna pulled out her thermometer, he titled his head and she placed the tip of the device in his ear.

“Really? Philip isn’t usually one to disappear like that.”

Dan turned to her quickly, interrupting the thermometer that beeped back angrily. He stared at Anna, his mouth agape and struggling to string together a comprehensible sentence. _How does she know Phil?_

Despite being unable to voice his question, she understood his wild look of confusion and laughed, her crow’s feet and laugh lines prominent. “I’ve known Phil since he was a little boy. His father would drag him all over the hospital from the minute he could walk. I’m not surprised you two stumbled across each other, he liked to hide out in that lounge. Now, can I finish taking your temperature?”

“His dad wasn’t thrilled when I asked for Phil to be my tutor.”

“That bitter old bag.”

Dan snorted at Anna’s blatant disrespect for her boss as the thermometer beeped and she recorded the notes in his chart. He turned and sat sideways in the chair while Anna removed the stethoscope that rested around her neck and put it on. She lifted the back of his shirt up and gently placed the chest piece on his back.

“Breathe in,” she instructed him. When she had finished the last vital, she sat back in her chair and looked expectantly at Dan. “So, what did Dr. Lester have to say about Phil being your tutor?”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, “Phil just said he was pissed and that he couldn’t talk to me anymore. And then he left my text on read,” Dan started picking at the hole in the chair more violently.

“If I were you I would march right down to the chief’s office and demand that he changes his mind,” she stood up and walked to the door, “You’re the patient here and your comfort is most important. Advocate for yourself,” Anna said and then left.

At first, Dan just stared at the door dumbfounded. _What the hell does that even mean?_ But when he thought about it, she was right, and it made him smile. _Maybe I still have some power._

***

The dark mahogany wood that elegantly paneled Dr. Lester’s office was illuminated by a floor to ceiling window directly behind his grand desk. The light that shone in bounced off the slick, polished surfaces, and it was far too much sun exposure for Dan’s liking. Anxiously he scooted around in the black leather chair where the secretary told him to wait. The confidence from Anna’s advice got him to the administration hallway where he confronted the lady at the desk, telling her that he didn’t have an appointment, but it was important for him to see the Chief. It was when he gave her his name that suddenly Dr. Lester’s schedule opened up for him to meet with Dan.

Now as he sat and waited for the chief of surgery to arrive, the confidence he once had was fading fast. Everything in the office radiated power and importance, and Dan felt so small in comparison. Even the black, plastic ballpoint pens had his title engraved in gold lettering. Dan was tempted to grab one, so his hands could have something to fiddle with, but he didn’t want to touch anything. It was intimidating.

There was one thing, however, that Dan noticed that made him feel less regard for Dr. Lester. Nowhere in the large office was there a picture of Phil. No family pictures, no baby pictures, not even a tacky ‘#1 DAD’ mug. You couldn’t tell by looking around the room that he had a family. What Dan found instead were diplomas, certificates, and awards, all neatly displayed in fancy frames along the one wall. _No wonder Phil doesn’t like to talk about his father._

“Good afternoon Daniel. I was intrigued to hear you requested to meet me. Is there anything I can help you with?” Dr. Lester said as he entered from behind Dan.

Surprised, Dan jumped in his chair and stood to greet the doctor, "Uh, hello sir."

“Please, no need to stand,” he pointed for Dan to sit back down, “Is there anything wrong? Anything you need? As you know your care is of utmost importance to us and we’re very grateful you’ve allowed us the opportunity to work on your unique case.”

 _You mean letting me be your guinea pig._ The confidence was completely drained from Dan by this point, and the doctor's surprise entrance only further threw him off. He slouched into his chair across from Dr. Lester and looked down at his black converse. They were untied. _I shouldn’t have done this who was I kidding._

“Daniel? Please, tell me anything.” Dr. Lester said, sitting forward in his chair and sending Dan further back in his.

“Uh. It’s about Phil. I wanted to know why he couldn’t be my tutor.” Dan looked anywhere but at the doctor’s eyes.

“Oh. Yes. Well, as you know he’s my son and he is also still a student. He’s nowhere near as qualified as the other tutors we’ve had you try out. But if you want we can allow you more control over choosing someone if you’d like.”

 _Wow, you speak so highly of your son._ Dan found a little bit of fire within him to challenge the doctor. “No. I wanted Phil. He’s smart and more relatable than all the old ladies you’ve sent in. And he knows the material better cause he’s done it. Student’s tutor each other all the time there’s no reason this should be any different.”

Dr. Lester sighed deeply and stared at Dan for a long period of time while Dan nervously kicked his feet around under the desk.

“Unfortunately, Daniel it is not that simple. I gave Philip special privileges to be allowed to roam around the hospital. But he had strict rules to not interact with any patients or get in the way unless he was formally volunteering. He broke those rules, and you are in a particularly… exceptional… situation that he should not have gotten involved with. He is my son, and I have to look out for him.”

“Well, it’s not like I’m dying I don’t get what the big deal is.”

He took another long pause, his lips pulled tight, contemplating Dan’s words. “Well…”

Dan’s stomach dropped, his anxiety bubbling up and bringing with it the urge to vomit again. He sat up straighter and swallowed hard. “What do you mean?”

“There are several potential complications to your case, Dan. You’re nearly one of a kind, and there are lots of undocumented and unexpected emergencies that may arise. But your team and I are working hard to try to stay one step ahead of every possible situation that might arise. We’ve gone over these things with you before, but it’s important that you are still aware of this.”

“I could die?”

“If something were to go wrong, then, possibly.”

Dan let the thought sit with him before saying anything else, and Dr. Lester didn’t try to placate the situation. He was right, they went over all the facts with him before and they told him that the chances were high for a bad outcome. But… he really didn’t think that he could die. The idea left him unsteady. However, that didn’t answer why Phil couldn’t be his tutor. Or at least my friend.

“But why won’t you let Phil even talk to me? I still don’t get why you’re doing this.”

“I don’t want him to get hurt if something were to happen to you. It’s a complicated situation and he shouldn’t have gotten involved.” For once, he actually sounded like a father and not a doctor.

“Anyone could get hurt, though. And you wanted me to have a support system,” the anger was rising in Dan, he was tired of his situation getting in the way of everything. “So, don’t keep him from me and let me make a friend for god’s sake! He’s the perfect tutor for me and it’s not fair.

“But Daniel, please-”

“I’m the patient and this is what I think will help me.” It was the last card Dan had to play, and it was a dirty one, but it had to work.

Dr. Lester ran a hand through his hair, exasperated by the boy in front of him. “Fine.”

Dan sighed with relief, relaxing for the first time since he had been in the office.

“Phil is still a civilian, and as such, any information regarding your case is confidential unless you tell him. However, barring any complications or changes in your plans, it will be unavoidable in a few months,” the doctor gestured towards Dan’s stomach, “and it will be up to you what you want to do then. If you don’t want him to know, we’ll reinstate his restriction from your ward. Do you understand?”

He hadn’t thought about that. In fact, Dan consciously avoided all thoughts about the certain eventualities that were going to happen to him and never considered what that would mean. Especially when it came to Phil. Dan wished that he could fade away into another timeline with Phil where there could be any other problem but this one. _What would he even think?_

“Um… yeah sure.”

* * *

_**Phil’s Perspective** _

Phil barely caught himself from dropping his head face first into his English book. He was trying so hard to not fall asleep and was failing miserably. The library was so quiet and the corner seat he found was so comfy. It was his free period at the end of the day when normally he would leave early and go to the hospital. But now he was banned all because of Dan’s idea.

He tried so hard to blame it on Dan. _This boy just showed up and commandeered my favorite place. If he never existed, then nothing would’ve changed, and I could be asleep right now and no one could yell at me. But then Dan had to go and be nice and friendly too, and like the video games I do and the music I listen to. And then he needed help with his schoolwork and he was just so… cute when he asked for help. Why did he have to be cute?! But I can’t just make friends with a patient, no, that would break my dad’s rules. So, what do I do? I hide in the lobby and meet him secretly. But of fucking course, Dan comes up with the brilliant idea for me to be his tutor and ruins it all. This would never have happened if Dan hadn't showed up all lonely in room 316._ But it really wasn’t Dan’s fault and Phil knew that.

His phone chimed. Unfolding himself from the little ball he was curled up in on the chair, Phil dug through his bag and found his phone. It was a text from Dan. He couldn’t help his tiny smile and the excitement that rose from seeing that name in his notifications again.

 **Dan:** hey

 **Dan:** So you kinda never texted me back. Normally I would say screw you and delete your number. But I didn’t

 **Dan:** Can you please come meet me in the lobby this afternoon? Please? You won’t get in trouble

 _Well, that was cryptic._ Phil stared at the texts and scrolled up and looked at their last conversation. _I was such a dick to him._ He decided that Dan deserved a second chance, and another lecture from his father was better than pissing off the librarians by falling asleep. Quickly he threw his stuff together and sent a single text to Dan before leaving the school on his way to the hospital.

 **Phil:** Sure I’ll be there soon

* * *

_**Dan’s Perspective** _

The feeling in his stomach when Dan saw Phil enter on the other side of the lobby definitely wasn’t nausea. He was so excited when Phil answered his text and agreed to meet him again. Dr. Lester had a lot more to say about how their tutoring would be set up, but he stopped listening and let his mind race. There was always the chance that he would be pissed, that he would say no and not meet him, or that he would straight up ignore his texts again. But instead Phil responded and now he was here, and Dan couldn’t wait to tell him. Despite everything in him wanting to smile widely, Dan forced the instinct down and hid his delight behind an incredibly fake relaxed façade.

Phil did smile though when he found Dan and waved a little. _Oh, thank god he’s not completely pissed at me._ He looked anxious and wary, but Dan knew that would disappear once he told him the good news.

“Hi.” Dan didn’t hug Phil. He never had. No one touched him except for doctors. But Dan really wanted to hug Phil.

“Um hi. Why… why did you want me to come here?”

He tried so hard to feign a cool exterior, but he couldn’t help it he was too happy. “I convinced your dad to let you be my tutor!”

Phil looked at him, confused. “What?”

“I know he was so pissed but I thought it was stupid and my nurse convinced me to talk to him and I did, and he didn’t listen to me at first, but I talked him into it, Phil! You don’t have to stay away, and you can come upstairs now!”

The large, genuine, squinty-eyed smile and laugh of Phil's was priceless. Dan would do anything to see it again. Phil was his tutor now and even though it seemed like such a silly thing to be so happy about, they both knew it wasn’t only about helping Dan with his schoolwork. It was their excuse to be friends despite everything else that made it seem too unusual or awkward. While walking to the elevator that would take them to the third floor, Dan filled in Phil about what had taken place earlier that day, and Phil told him the details about the argument he got into with his father a few days prior.

“And finally, we can use the lounge,” Dan said, opening the door for Phil. They both avoided looking in the direction of Dan’s room.

“Yes! At last,” Phil flopped onto the couch and it squeaked beneath him, but that only made him smile and settle in more. Dan lingered by the door.

“Don’t tell me that’s all you wanted of me,” he teased Phil.

“Maybe so.”

They laughed, and Dan wandered over to the minifridge that was now consistently stocked by the nurses and residents. When no one was around he would sneak into the lounge and steal some of the food. What his dietician served him most days was pretty crap, and without Phil, he couldn’t find the special cafeteria where the staff ate. But after a snacking on a few grapes, he froze and dropped the one he was holding. One hand flew to his stomach and the back of his other hand covered his mouth. _Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck._

“I… I need to… just give me a few minutes, I’ll be back.” Dan said, avoiding eye contact with Phil before running from the lounge and into his bathroom.

It shouldn’t have been a surprise. As Dan had long since discovered, morning sickness waits for no one. And it certainly is not reserved for the mornings. But this time Phil was right over in the other room. He was honestly lucky he made it to his bathroom, there was more than one incident where Dan resorted to using the plastic dish they kept beside his bed, particularly on bad days when it felt like all that he was capable of was vomiting. It was truly awful.

When he was finished dry heaving, Dan lied back on the cold tile, exhausted. He wiped the small line of sweat that formed on his forehead and focused on catching his breath. An unsteady hand fell to the exposed skin on his stomach where his shirt rode up. In all situations, Dan avoided touching his stomach or even looking at it. He didn’t want to acknowledge what was really there. The thing that was the whole reason why he was doubled over the toilets most nights, the thing that made him cry or scream when he didn’t know why, the thing that he could actually see as a little blob on the ultrasound screen.

_Phil can Never. Ever. Know._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally have more time to write so hopefully updates will be more frequent. Let me know if you liked this chapter! It's a bit of a calm before the storm that's coming soon.


	7. This Isn't Good

_**Dan’s Perspective** _

The early morning sun felt nice against Dan’s skin. There were birds chirping in the trees and the fall of the water in the fountain was peaceful. It wasn’t often that he was awake early enough to be out in the morning, but Phil was the only person capable of convincing Dan to get out of bed before lunch. The two boys sat on a bench in the courtyard where the mid-October breeze made the air a bit nippy, so they huddled close to each other. Despite being a Thursday, Phil was off from school, and they were excited to see each other for longer than a few hours. Dan promised Nurse Anna that Phil being around all day meant that he would get more school work done, but they both knew that was a blatant lie.

Sipping his coffee in one hand, Phil held his phone with the other to show Dan silly videos he found on the internet. They texted each other frequently now, and he could have shared them with him there, but Dan noticed how Phil seemed to stockpile things to show him in person. He loved watching Phil from his peripheral vision every time something funny happened in a video- he would always look at Dan excitedly to see his reaction. Phil also seemed to use it as an excuse for them to sit close, but Dan was getting more comfortable with the closeness too. This wasn’t the first day Phil had done it either, in fact, it was becoming something of a tradition.

Everything seemed perfect. It was a nice out, he was enjoying the morning, and he had Phil all to himself for the entire day. But there was something slightly off about all of it, and it made Dan uncomfortable. It was almost as if everything was tilted to the right and the harder he tried to adjust, the more his head hurt. Dan was losing his focus on the videos Phil was trying to show him, having to squint to steady his field of vision, and it made him feel bad that he wasn’t enjoying it like Phil wanted him to. _Maybe I just need to go somewhere more comfortable._

Standing up quickly, Dan asked Phil, “Do you want to go up to the lounge?”

“Oh, yeah sure!”

As they started walking, everything got dramatically worse. The earth wasn’t simply tilted now, it was utterly thrown off balance. The hallway swayed and rocked as if Dan was on a boat. Phil was saying something to him, but he couldn’t hear what he was saying. The white noise of the hospital was amplified, and all Dan could hear was a loud buzzing, like there were bees in his ears. He closed his eyes and blinked slowly, hoping everything would steady out, but it didn’t. It only made him realize how severely his head hurt and how dizzy he was.

_This isn’t good this isn’t good._

His anxiety was rising and wasn’t stopping. Dan tried to be more conscious of his breathing, but this wasn’t an attack he would be able to hold back. His chest constricted, making each breath more labored than the last. Fear gnawed at every thought. _Oh my god what is happening?_ _This isn’t good this isn’t good this isn’t good._ As they waited for the elevator, it was taking everything he had to hide what was happening from Phil. Dan didn’t want to worry him. He needed to distract Phil with something in the lounge and then go find a nurse. Or better yet Dr. Lee. Since he had his special day with Phil planned, the ultrasound that was scheduled for today was moved back. _What if something happened to- no. No no no no no. This can’t be happening._ Dan felt the sensation leave his limbs as they went numb; he knew he was running out of time before a complete panic attack and his fingers were already starting to twitch.

Somewhere in the background, Dan could make out the ding of the elevator doors opening that signaled him to move forward. They entered the small space and instinctively Dan reached for the railings along the wall. He stood in the corner, so he could hold on with both hands, and watched Phil press the button for the third floor. But the edges of his vision started to blur, like a camera lens with a narrow aperture. There was another ding when the doors closed and the fuzz in his ears became a complete ringing noise and now he really couldn’t hear anything.

The elevator started to move, and his brain felt like it was sloshing around in his skull.

Everything went dark.

* * *

_**Phil’s Perspective** _

It was in slow motion.

The ding of the elevator closing.

The initial jolt as it began it’s slow descent to the third floor.

Dan falling.

It looked like his legs had completely given up and then he was slumping forward, eyes closed, not bracing himself. Immediately Phil lunged forward, catching him before he hit the floor. Phil hit his knees hard but at least it wasn’t Dan’s head. Slowly he lowered the unconscious boy into his lap. He flopped like a ragdoll and his face was ashen white.

“Dan, oh my god, Dan wake up!”

Phil didn’t jostle Dan, he knew better than that, but with every second Dan’s eyes didn’t open, the more scared he got. When he saw Dan fall his stomach plummeted, it felt like that moment when the roller coaster goes over the peak and starts its drop, and Phil wasn’t one for roller coasters. His mind was racing. _What if he’s dead?_ Instinct kicked in and Phil fumbled around to find Dan’s pulse in his wrist. _Oh, thank god._ But he still wasn’t waking up, and his breath was shallow. This wasn’t good, he should’ve woken up by now. Desperately, Phil looked up to see the little screen above the doors flash “2” as they passed the second floor.

“Please, Dan. Please wake up.” Phil’s eyes started to water as he looked at his friend helplessly.

There was nothing he could do but wait for the elevator to reach the third floor. A tear fell and landed on Dan’s cheek. Cradling Dan’s head ever so carefully, Phil’s thumb trailed along his cheek to wipe away the tear, and then he settled his hand along his jaw, framing his face. It was so empty. Dan was always energetic, his expression full of so much passion and life, but now it was blank.

“Please.” Phil’s voice quivered.

The elevator slowed to a stop, dipping down a little before leveling out with the floor. As the doors opened Phil prayed to every god possible that someone would be there to hear him.

“HELP! Someone help me, please!” He cried.

Two nurses appeared in an instant. “What happened? How long has he been out?”

“I… I don’t know he just fell. It’s been like… thirty seconds or a minute maybe? He fell when the elevator started, and he didn’t wake up but he had a pulse. I don’t know.” Phil rambled, more tears falling.

They carried Dan away to his room, but Phil was still on the floor. Someone had stopped the elevator. He watched as someone sounded a code and a flurry of nurses and doctors rushed in, pushing carts and monitors around while speaking frantically. Phil was sobbing, his eyes watery and everything blurring, but he felt someone pull him into a hug. He buried his head into their shoulder and smelled the familiar vanilla perfume of Nurse Anna, and it made him cry harder.

“It’s gonna be okay, Phil. Come on.” She whispered to him, helping him stand up and leave the elevator. Anna led Phil out of the ward, still holding him tight as a barrier from the commotion that was occurring in room 316. Once the doors closed behind them, she sat him in a chair along the wall and let him keep crying to her, but she didn’t miss his immediate sigh of relief. “Shhh. You’re okay.”

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

_“Please.”_

It was echoey and distant, but Dan heard Phil say it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a shorter chapter, but a pretty good one I'd say. Sorry for the cliffhanger, but thank you so much for reading and for your lovely comments!


	8. Fine

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil was sitting alone outside of the private ward. Nurse Anna sat with him for a few minutes until he was fine enough to be left by himself, so she could go check on Dan, but she hadn’t come back since. At first there was a consistent stream of doctors and nurses in and out of the double doors to the suite, but eventually, more were leaving than entering, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. Each doctor that passed by gave him an odd look but didn’t say anything, so Phil decided he would sit there until Anna came back and told him what to do. 

One of the doctors was his father. Just after Anna left he saw his dad walking down the hallway, thick file in hand, walking at a familiar fast pace. It was one of the many things Phil didn’t particularly like about his father; he was so quick about everything. Museums, walks, trips to the store- he never slowed down, and Phil was always struggling to catch up. When his dad walked by, he only gave his son a cursory glance and kept walking, pushing the doors open excessively wide and disappearing into the void of chaos.

Time passed so incredibly slowly in that hallway and all Phil could do was sit there watching the scenario play out in repeat.  _Did I miss something earlier?_  He tried to think about what happened before they got onto the elevator. They got drinks from the cafeteria, Phil got coffee and Dan a water, they sat in the courtyard and watched videos on his phone, and then Dan asked to go inside.  _Did I do something wrong in the elevator?_  He was talking about nonsense when out of the corner of his eye he saw Dan sway and the next thing he was slumped in Phil’s arms on the floor.  _Why did I cry?_  He felt pathetic thinking about it. Just sat there on the elevator floor, useless, his friend unconscious in his arms. The only thing Phil knew how to do was make sure Dan wasn’t dead and his father wanted him to be a doctor. Doctors don’t cry when their closest friends faint in the elevator. 

An indistinguishable number of hours passed before Dr. Lester walked out the doors again. Phil’s dad was slightly taller and broader than he was, and he had a bit of a beer gut. His hair was grey from age and mostly stress but hadn’t started to thin much. He was in his emerald green scrubs which Phil didn’t see him in often, usually, he wore a dress shirt and tie. The scrubs meant that he was anticipated in surgery, and Phil’s heart skipped a beat.  _What if Dan had to go to surgery?_  But Dr. Lester wasn’t rushing off to surgery, and instead stood there looking at his son and sighed.

“Phil, you should go home.”

“Is… did he, is he-”

“Daniel is fine.”

 _Oh my god thank you._  Phil was finally able to relax, exhaling all the stress and worry that had been sucking at his breath. 

“But I don’t think you’ll be seeing him today, so go home and I’ll see you late tonight.” Dr. Lester didn’t seem at all phased by the emotional day Phil had clearly been through but was eager to get him away from Dan’s ward, placing a hand on his back to try and lead him away. 

Phil didn’t budge. “No, Anna said to wait for her, so that’s what I’m doing,” he said, staring stubbornly directly at his father. He had been through hell and wasn’t about to leave when the only thing he knew about Dan was that he was ‘fine’. 

Dr. Lester gave another measured sigh before giving in. “If you must. Let me know if you need me to take you home, I will be leaving late tonight.” And he walked away without another word. 

It took everything in Phil to stop from breaking down crying again. He was bent over in his chair, elbows on his knees, with his head in his hands. The muscles in his back were spasming and his neck was sore- he realized he had been sitting straight up in this chair for at least an hour, so lost in thought and worry he never moved or relaxed. But Dan was fine now. And that meant Phil should be fine right? There wasn’t a reason to cry anymore. No more reasons to stress. But for some reason, it didn’t feel like it. So, he continued to sit in the hallway and wait for Anna to come back and tell him what to do. 

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

Dan could hear the beeping of machines and squabbling voices first. Everyone was trying to be louder than each other and all the sounds bounced around in his head and it hurt. He thought someone was trying to get his attention, but his brain was too confused to follow the direction of the voice.  _What happened?_  There was pressure on him and Dan realized people were touching him, poking and prodding and palpating everywhere and he was instantly uncomfortable. He squinted his eyes open, but the bright lights were blinding. Someone was still calling him. 

“Daniel, Dan, hey there it’s Dr. Lee, can you hear me?”

Everything was blurry, but he turned toward the voice. “Huh?” He mumbled groggily. As the room came into focus he realized he was lying flat in his bed, surrounded by several doctors and nurses who were all talking and moving incredibly fast. Nothing was making sense and his head hurt and there were so many sounds and people, all of them crowding around trying to touch him and he wanted to run far, far away. His heart started beating faster and he heard a beeping noise from somewhere matching the pace, and his breath was coming in shorter, faster gasps. 

“Dan, Dan look here, look at me.” Dr. Lee called for him again. 

He looked over at her, away from the people, his eyes wide and terrified. 

“It’s okay, Dan, you fainted in the elevator with Phil. It’s all okay though, just focus on me and breathe, you’re alright,” she soothed, her voice was calm and steady, but her eyes didn’t hold the same assurance. 

All he could do was shake his head vigorously in response.  _Everything is definitely not okay._

Someone else in the room said something to Dr. Lee, prompting her to reach above him and pull down an oxygen mask and place it over his nose and mouth. “Shh, just breathe.”

Before his fear could intensify anymore he instantly felt sleepy, his eyes closing and brain calming down, all the commotion disappearing. 

***

It was quiet. No shouting, no loud noises, only a consistent _beep beep beep_. And when he opened his eyes there were no more bright lights, just the lamp above his head and the last golden rays of the sunset that filtered in through the blinds. Nurse Anna was sitting in a chair to his right.

“Welcome back to consciousness, Dan. I hope you enjoyed your-” she glanced down at her watch, “eight-hour nap.” 

He looked at her confused. “What time is it? What happened?”

“You fainted, sweetie. Gave us all quite the scare, your blood pressure was very low. But everything’s fine, we took care of it all. You were starting to panic so we had to give you some medicine, and that’s why you slept for so long.”

Dan tried to remember the events from earlier, but an even larger issue was brought to mind. “And the… the…” He couldn’t find it in himself to say the word as if it wasn’t real, but the amount of concern and fear that instantly gripped at him was very real. 

Anna knew what he was trying to say, and she looked at him softly and patted the back of his hand. “It’s fine. They were even able to find a heartbeat for the first time. There’s a recording if you would like to hear for yourself.”

 _It has a heartbeat._  He shook his head, Dan wasn’t ready to think about that. Instead, he looked around and realized he was wearing a hospital gown and there were several grey wires leading out from the under the neckline and they connected to a heart monitor beside his bed.  _Oh._  On his left arm there was a needle and tubes taped to the back of his hand, the tubing connected to a pole with hanging IV fluids.  _OH. Well, I’m glad I wasn’t awake for that._  

“Is uh, all this necessary? I only fainted, and I feel fi-” When Dan attempted to sit up and demonstrate how okay he felt, a dull pain in his back had him lay back down.

“I promise you it’s necessary, at least for now. You’ll have to stay in your room for a few days for close observation before you can go about your normal shenanigans again. And as for any pain, there shouldn’t be too much, and your medication is strict, but we might be able to give you a little relief if you need,” Anna said, standing to adjust something on the monitor attached to his IV pole. “And whatever else you need, just tell us. Dr. Lee will be by tomorrow to talk to you some more.”

“Why does my back huurrtt,” Dan whined. 

“You weren’t the most graceful when you fell. But at least Phil was there to catch you, he saved you from a concussion.”

 _Phil. Oh shit, Phil._ “Oh my god he was there, is he okay?” 

“Yes, just a little shaken up that’s all,” Anna walked back over to Dan and lowered her voice to a more serious tone, “and I know you’ve kept certain boundaries, but you know, he waited for you.”

Dan could feel his heart twinge. “He did?”

“He’s been here all day and refuses to leave until someone tells him something more than that you’re fine. But no one will tell him anything of course, not without your consent.”

“Oh.” _Phil waited all day for me. On his day off he sat and waited for the entire day. I fainted in the elevator into his arms and he still stayed._

“We can ask him to leave if-” Dan cut Anna off.

“No. I want to see him. Let him come in.” 

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

True to his word, Phil stayed and waited in that hallway chair until Nurse Anna came out to see him. It was at least two hours after Dan had fainted, well after lunch, and Phil could deny that he was incredibly hungry. The nurses had already come and left from their breaks, but he refused to give in. One of the younger orderlies was kind enough to bring him back a bag of chips that he scarfed down in minutes. 

Phil had relocated to the floor, sitting by an outlet to charge his phone when finally, Anna emerged from the double doors. 

“I heard you were being stubborn,” she joked and sat down on the floor next to him. 

“You said to wait here so I did.”

“I don’t quite know what more you’re waiting for, your dad already talked to you.”

Phil pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. “My father said jack shit to me.”

Anna looked at him sympathetically. “ _Jack shit_ is about as much as we can tell you right now, Phil. You should know hospital policy well enough by now.”

“What will it take until someone can tell me more?” Phil was not content to leave only knowing that Dan was simply fine. _He fainted in my arms. I thought he could be dead._

She sighed. “We would need Daniel’s explicit consent at the least. But part of the reason you’re even able to be here is that Dan specifically said he’s the only one who can share information about his case.”

“Well can he give consent?”

“Currently, no. But even if he does, the most I’ll be able to tell you is stuff you already know. The rest is up to Dan.”

“Then I’m going to stay here until he can at least speak for himself.” Phil huffed. 

Anna stood up and offered Phil her hand to help him up as well. “If you’re going to do that then I would suggest going to get yourself something to eat. It may be awhile.” 

***

The nurses took pity on him sometime in the late afternoon and let him move into the lounge. One of them brought him dinner from a Thai place around the corner so he didn’t have to eat another cafeteria meal, a gesture he suspected Anna had something to do with. When he walked into the ward, the blinds to the window that looked in on Dan were closed, and so was his door. Phil had no idea how Dan was doing behind that door. He repeated to himself over and over that Dan was fine, that’s what they told him and kept reassuring him.

But Phil couldn’t convince himself of it. Even though he only fainted, Dan was still a patient and he was still in the private ward. Most of the time Dan seemed completely fine, he wore normal clothes and walked around like normal and didn’t seem like he was dying. His skin wasn’t yellow, his hair wasn’t falling out, his hands didn’t shake. That was less than Phil could say about some of the other kids he’d seen. A million different scenarios kept running through his head, and eventually, he fell asleep curled up on the couch in the lounge. 

“Phil, wake up.” Anna gently nudged him.

“Mmph no.” 

“It’s about Dan.”

Phil immediately opened his eyes. “What?”

“He wants to see you.”

“What?” Phil sat up. This wasn’t what he expected. He figured that the nurses would give him some crap about why Dan fainted and then send him on his way unwillingly.

“He’s letting you in to see him and we’re disregarding visitor hours for you.”

He looked outside and realized the sun had almost set. “Wait, what? What time is it?”

Anna put her hand on his shoulder to get his attention. “It’s nearly eight. You took a short nap, dear, but Dan would like to see you now. I just wanted to talk to you first.”

“Oh-okay.” Phil rubbed at his eyes and tried to get his bearings. 

“I know he’s your mate but he’s also a patient and right now you’re a visitor. He’s fine, but he’s had a long day so don’t ask too many questions if he doesn’t want to answer them. Just be good company for him, okay?”

“Yeah, yeah of course. Can I go now?”

Anna escorted him across the hallway to room 316. Phil had only been inside once since Dan arrived some seven weeks ago, breaking in like an idiot to give the lonely new kid some fast food. And there he was now, sitting up in his bed, attached to some machine and an IV, wearing a hospital gown and not the black skinny jeans and jumper from earlier. _Dan’s a patient and you’re a visitor._

Phil hovered in the door and waved awkwardly. “Hey.” 

* * *

  ** _Dan’s Perspective_ **

“Hey.” Dan smiled when he saw Phil. His striped t-shirt was wrinkly, and his hair was messed up. _He really did spend all day here._ “You can come in and sit down.” Dan gestured to the chair next to his bed while he tried to sit up as gingerly as possible. 

Phil sat down and the sheer awkwardness in the room was palpable. “So…”

More stunted silence. This was not going as well as Dan hoped. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure why he invited Phil in. They looked at each other and around the room, neither sure what to say next. Dan noticed how Phil’s gaze was drawn to the wires that were hanging out of the neckline of his gown and the tubes protruding from his arms. 

“Just ignore all this,” Dan waved his hand to indicate the stuff he was hooked up to, “the doctors are a little overzealous. I’m fine.”

“That’s what everyone keeps saying,” Phil muttered.

“But it’s true, I’m fine. I hurt my back a bit and I have a headache, but really, everything is else is good.” 

“Dan, you literally fainted.” The bluntness of Phil’s statement made the room go quiet again. 

“Um, well yeah. I did.”

“I caught you before you fell and cracked your head on the elevator floor.”

“Thanks for that by the way.”

“Then you didn’t wake up and now you’re just fine?”

Dan didn’t exactly know how to answer that. Nurse Anna assured him he wouldn’t have to tell Phil anything, but what else could he do to assure him that he wasn’t going to up and die out of nowhere?

Phil looked down at the floor, anxiously playing with his hands. “I was really scared, Dan.”

 _Oh, Phil._ “I had low blood pressure and stood up too fast. Remember in the courtyard? That made it worse and I fainted but it’s all okay now, I promise. I’m sorry I scared you.”

“I just don’t know… like why ar- I don’t-”

Dan knew what Phil was getting at and it made his heart beat faster. Phil wanted to know what was wrong with him. It was as simple as that. Thank god Anna turned down the volume on his monitor.

“Do you want to know why I’m here?” _What are you doing you, idiot? You can’t tell Phil. He’ll run away. He’s your only friend._  

Phil’s eyes widened. “I don’t- you don’t have to tell me.”

“But you wanna know?” _Oh my god stop what you’re doing. You absolute fool why would you tell him?_

“Yes.”

Dan hesitated. _This could ruin everything. You could lose your only friend._ But Phil waited for him all day. He spent an entire day waiting when he could’ve been sent home anyway. _Don’t do it. Don’t do-_ “I’m pregnant.”

Phil laughed. It was a genuine laugh, the kind where his eyes get all squinty and he sticks his tongue out a little. It was such a cute laugh. “Oh my god that’s hilarious. I really needed that thanks.”

But Dan wasn’t laughing, his face was flat, and his heart was speeding up even more. _Well, you’ve fucked up. He thinks it’s a joke._

When Phil stopped laughing and realized Dan didn’t find it funny, he looked confused. “What do you mean, like seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Phil, I wasn’t joking. I’m serious.” 

He laughed again, but this time it was dry and awkward. “I don’t believe you.”

Dan had no idea what to do. Granted, Phil’s reaction was entirely justified. He wished it was a joke. But it wasn’t and now they were staring at each other weirdly. “ANNA!”

Anna walked in at Dan’s call immediately. “Is everything okay?” She asked, looking back and forth between the two boys. 

“I told Phil and he doesn’t believe me.” _Okay, this is a little juvenile._

“You told Phil what, exactly?” Her words were careful and measured, trying ever so carefully to avoid disrupting the thick tension that hung between Dan and Phil. 

“That I’m pregnant.”

Once again, she didn’t move, cautiously considering the situation as one would approach two scared rabbits in. “Phil. Would I ever lie to you?”

He thought about what she said, except it only confused him more. “No, I guess not.”

“Well, Dan isn’t lying either. He’s telling the truth. Listen to him.”

More silence. This time it dragged on for literal minutes, and Anna took it as her cue to leave. Phil sat there, and Dan swore he could see his thought process as he tried to understand. It made sense once you thought about it. Why Dan seemed totally fine but was treated so special. Why he was allowed to walk around but had to stay in a separated ward. He was a medical miracle. An exceptional case. A societal freak. 

“Well shit,” Phil finally said. 

 _It wasn’t the worst thing he could’ve said._ “If you want to leave I get it.”

“Why would I leave?” He looked genuinely confused at the idea, more so than the idea of a pregnant teenage boy.

Dan looked away. “Because it’s not normal.”

“Normal is overrated.” He looked down at Dan’s stomach. “Is there really like an actual living thing?”

“With a heartbeat, apparently.”

“Damn.”

“Yeah.”

For once the quiet wasn’t awkward. The two boys sat in each other’s company, too busy with thoughts to bother with words. Dan told Phil. Phil didn’t leave. 

Phil’s voice soft as he asked, “Are you okay?”

Dan understood what he meant. He wasn’t asking if Dan felt bad like the doctors do. Phil was asking if he was actually okay, and no one’s asked him that since he got here. “Not really.”

Phil reached out and held Dan’s hand, and Dan didn’t pull away. They smiled at each other and for now, everything was fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edit: I forgot to add my notes at the end of the chapter when I first uploaded, whoops. But I'm really glad that all of you are enjoying this fic and I hope to keep with my current chapter a week updating schedule so that there's more for you read. As always thanks for the kudos kind comments!


	9. Heartbeat

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

**Dan:** Save me im soooo bored

 **Dan:** Still not allowed to leave my room

 **Phil:** Can i still come over after school?

 **Dan:** Please do

 **Phil:** Okay I’ll be there a little late tho i have a surprise

 **Dan:** im intrigued

 **Phil:** ;-)

Receiving the texts made Phil smile. His science partner looked at him weird for smiling so ridiculously at his phone in the middle of class, but he was so excited to see Dan again. Dan was on bed rest for three days now and Phil hadn’t been able to see him at all since the day he fainted. That night was something else- when he sat there holding Dan’s hand. They didn’t say anything else about the news that was just shared, they didn’t try to make small talk, they didn’t do anything but enjoy the comforting presence of the other. Phil’s mind was busy trying to deconstruct how the hell a man could get pregnant, but Dan’s mind was finally quiet, and he fell peacefully asleep holding Phil’s hand.

***

Phil was a little hesitant when he got off the lift onto Dan’s floor. He lingered in the hallway and glanced over at the stationed nurse, smiling nervously. The giant box in his arms didn’t reduce the awkwardness at all. But the nurse gestured for him to keep going, so Phil knocked on Dan’s open door with his free hand.

“Ooo, what’s in the box?” Dan asked immediately.

Phil laughed and placed the box down on the bed in front of his friend. “It’s a surprise! Now open it, I hope you’ll like it.”

Dan eagerly ripped the top of the box open, sitting up to look inside. “Oh my god Phil, there’s so much stuff, what is this for?” He looked up and smiled so genuinely before going through all the contents.

At the very top, there were a couple knick knacks, plushies and small rolled up posters that Dan awed at before pulling out what was on the bottom. Phil watched him with a small smile. It made him happy to see Dan so excited. He was also a little relieved when he realized Dan wasn’t hooked up to a lot of machines anymore- there was only a small pulse monitor clipped to his left index finger.

“Holy fucking fuck Phil, this is an actual Nintendo Switch.” He held the game console and turned it around in his hands.

“Yeah, um, I had an extra.” Phil blushed.

Dan was incredulous. “Who the hell has an _extra_ Switch?”

“Well my dad got me one and then so did one of my uncles. They’re all doctors so… yeah. But your room seemed really empty and stuff and if you have to stay here for a couple months I thought it should be homey. And I want to kick your ass in Mario Kart.”

“You wanna bet?”

* * *

  ** _Dan’s Perspective_**

It was unbelievable. _He got me a fucking Switch._ Dan was setting it up and going through all the small game cartridges that they agreed to share. Phil had gone to get drinks and snacks for the two of them before their Mario Kart tournament, but before he left he said that Anna would be by later with a small desk for just Dan’s things, which he was also honestly a little excited about. He didn’t think a shitty desk dragged out of hospital storage would ever be something that would make him happy, but when Phil wasn’t around he really did hate how dull everything around him was. Nothing in the room was his beside clothes, his laptop, and some books, but that was changed now all because of Phil. He’d finally have some space that was his.

He could smell it before he even knew Phil was back. And for once it was a smell that didn’t want to make him vomit. _Coffee._ Dan sat up in his bed and eyed the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte in his friend’s hand.

“Hey. Ready to play?” Phil tossed a bottle of water to Dan, who barely caught it.

“Look, mate, you’re really going to have to drink less coffee or else you’ll literally drive me mad.”

“Oh, I asked what you wanted. I could’ve gotten you one too. I can go back.” Phil said, so genuine that it made Dan’s heart twinge.

“No, I’m not allowed to have a lot of caffeine. But coffee is literally all I want in this world right now.”

Phil looked confused. “Why can’t you have any- ohh.” His punctuated his realization with a glance down at Dan’s stomach before returning his gaze to his own drink. “You can’t even have a little?”

“My dieticians have a lot of strict rules that I think are overkill, but what can you do.”  He shrugged.

“I’m sure a little won’t kill you.” Phil smiled wickedly before waving his cup directly in front of Dan’s face.

“Don’t tempt me.”

“You know you want it.” Phil kept teasing him with the drink.

With no self-restraint, Dan grabbed the cup and took a large sip before dramatically sighing and flopping against his bed. “Oh, the sweet release of death.”

Phil laughed and nudged Dan in the shoulder before taking his latte back and sitting down on the couch. “I know for a fact a little caffeine won’t hurt anything, Dan.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. The coffee tasted great, it was one of the things he missed the most. But the shared knowledge of why he couldn’t have any left an awkward end to the interaction.

“What’s it like being… pregnant?”

It was like the last word echoed throughout the room. Dan wanted to quickly brush the question off with a joke, but Phil deserved a better answer than that. He contemplated a response while twiddling with the monitor on his finger. “It’s weird and miserable.”

“At least it isn’t an alien.” Phil joked.

Dan could see he was trying to lighten things up, but instead of going with the banter he felt himself getting emotional and decided to answer with complete and utter honesty.

“I’m pretty sure an alien would be easier. But no, it’s a very human pain in my ass. Literally. I’m always throwing up and I swear it’s the only thing I know how to do anymore. I have to stay in this godforsaken hospital for at least seven more months, I can’t pick what I want to eat, the doctors are always bothering me about something and they’re so overdramatic. My back hurts, I have a cold that won’t go away, and I’m going to get fat. It’s bloody fucking awful.”

“Oh,” Phil muttered, his face a mixture of sympathy and apprehension.

There were tears pricking at the corners of Dan’s eyes and he blinked them away, mocking himself by saying, “And I cry over everything and nothing.”

“Dan,” Phil cooed.

“Sorry. Just forget it.” Dan tried to compose himself, sitting up in his bed and straightening his blankets.

“But Dan-”

“Can we play Mario Kart now, yeah?” He forced a smile.

* * *

  ** _Phil’s Perspective_**

Two rounds into their game and Phil had won both. He could tell that Dan had a lot of potential to be better than him, but Phil was just more practiced. The game really helped ease the tension after the little rant from earlier, but it still lingered on their minds. Phil couldn’t possibly imagine what it was like. He may have spent a lot of his life wandering the halls of the hospital, but at least he knew he would always go home and sleep in his own bed. Dan was here for several months, never allowed to leave the grounds. And in a few months? He might not even be able to leave the wing. Pregnancy wasn’t exactly something you could hide after a point.

 _He has no control over anything._ That, in particular, scared Phil. Maybe it was just his anxiety, but losing that much control over his body, his freedom, his entire life? It sounded terrifying. _How is Dan still doing this? Why?_

There were a million questions he wanted to ask. _Why doesn’t he get rid of it, that has to be possible, right? And where is his family? Who the hell got him into this in the first place?_ Phil didn’t know much about how it happened, but he definitely knew how babies were usually made. So, he drew his own conclusions regarding that. _Dan’s only seventeen_. That was perhaps the saddest fact of them all. _He should be allowed to be seventeen._

“Ha! Having difficulty driving in a straight line there, Philly?”

He was pulled from his thoughts and realized he had driven right into a guardrail and Dan passed him. “Motherf-” Phil recovered from the mistake and sped up with a mushroom. “Don’t get too comfortable, I’m still going to win.”

Inevitably, Phil regained his spot in first and won the race. “This isn’t faairr. I’m the one on bedrest, you should-” Dan stopped mid-whine when he saw Dr. Lee in the hallway, on her way to his room.

“Good afternoon Dan. And Phil, it’s nice to see you again.” The doctor smiled at the boys as she crossed through the room, grabbing Dan’s file in a single movement without stopping.

Phil sat up a little straighter in his spot, looking between Dan and Dr. Lee with uncertainty. “It’s nice to see you too.” Jennifer was one of the nicer doctors Phil knew at the hospital, but they didn’t cross paths much until recently.

“I don’t mean to interrupt your little gaming party here boys, but Phil, I’m going to have to ask you to wait in the lounge for a bit.” She instructed, pulling a machine out from the corner.

Phil stood from his chair, but Dan put out a hand to stop him. “No, he can stay.”

“Are you sure?” She asked cautiously.

“Yeah, he’s fine. It’s just the normal scans anyways.”

“Well… if you want.” Dr. Lee was hesitant about the situation, pushing some of the stray black hairs from her bun behind her ear, but then continued preparing her things.

Phil slowly sat back down when he realized he’d be staying for whatever was about to happen. He watched the two with extreme curiosity but tried his best not to stare. Dan adjusted his bed, so it sat higher and leaned back some. Then he lied back himself, pulling his shirt up, exposing his stomach. It wasn’t exactly flat. There was a very slight, almost unnoticeable curve to his tummy- it could easily be passed off for having eaten a large meal, but he knew it wasn’t that. Dan never brought attention to his stomach, so he was genuinely surprised by the itty-bitty bump. _Seriously stop staring._

He redirected his attention to Jennifer who was turning on a monitor that Phil recognized as an ultrasound machine. _Oh wow._ He couldn’t believe he was getting to sit in on this. Several thoughts raced through his mind but suddenly the screen of his Switch lit up again and another race had started, and he was pulled back to the game.

“Dan!” Phil squealed, “That’s not fair, you got a head start!”

“Sorry mate, but I’m determined to beat you.”

They kept playing, attention focused away from what else was happening in the room.

A swooshing noise distracted both of them, but Phil was the only one to glance up. Immediately he did a double take, not caring if his kart had just plummeted off the side of the track. Running across the bottom of the ultrasound screen were spikes and dips reflecting a fast but steady heartbeat.

Phil paused the game, shoving his controller to the side to watch the screen positioned on the other side of the bed. Dr. Lee adjusted the monitor for him to see as she moved a doppler around Dan’s stomach. She stopped in a spot and pressed some buttons, and the image was clearer. At first, it looked like a blob, but he could start to make out the small yet distinct head and body and very tiny stump-like arms and legs. “Oh my god.”

* * *

 

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

He whined in protest when Phil paused the game, but he should have known better. Dan didn’t think before he told Phil to stay, he just said it, and was now regretting it. But when he saw Dr. Lee come into the room he got scared and he wasn’t sure why. He’d gotten several ultrasounds by now and he knew the drill. But after fainting, it was like something changed and Dan didn’t like the feeling. Now he didn’t have a game to distract him from the procedure and Phil’s presence completely shifted how this normally went. _Just stare straight ahead. Ignore both of them. Pretend you can’t hear that. It isn’t there. It isn’t real._

Dan looked over at the screen. How could he not? Dr. Lee had turned the monitor on, Phil was staring, and there was sound now. Sound. The sound of a heartbeat.

“Why is it so fast?” Dan asked as he watched the waves on the monitor. He had never spoken up during one of these appointments before.

“That’s normal. What you’re hearing is about 170 beats per minute, which is good. It might even be a little faster next week but after that, it will get slower. Fetuses have faster heart rates than adults because they’re smaller, so it will always sound fast.” Dr. Lee said with a smile, pointing out on the screen where the heart rate was displayed. She seemed happy he was finally asking questions.

“So it’s fine?”

“Completely.” Dr. Lee minimized the pulse monitor and zoomed in on the sonogram. “Baby is in a good position right now too, you can see the arms and legs really well.” She pointed out the four little stubs that were arms and legs. “You’re eight weeks along so baby’s fingers and toes are still slightly webbed, but the tail is gone. All the organs are developed now too, and bones are starting to form.”

Dan didn’t say anything else, overwhelmed by all of it. He clutched tightly to the hem of his shirt while he tried to figure out what he was feeling. He wasn’t used to paying attention during ultrasounds, he intentionally tried to just disappear during them. But now Dan was looking at the screen and Dr. Lee kept saying ‘baby’ and everything was so real.

Phil was still staring at the screen in amazement when he jumped suddenly and pointed at the screen. “Did it just move?”

Dr. Lee nodded with a wide smile, “Yeah, baby’s saying hello!”

Sure enough, the blobby form was wiggling.

“Oh wow, Dan. Look at that,” Phil awed.

“I… I can’t feel it,” Dan said, a little disappointed.

“No, you won’t be able to feel anything for probably another eight weeks or so. Your baby is only the size of a raspberry right now.”

 _Your baby._ Like a skipping record, those two words repeated in his head over and over again. Before he could overthink the comment, Dan started burying those thoughts deeper and deeper, shoving them in the dark, hidden pit of denial where he stored all his other invasive memories. He wasn’t even conscious of it, he just allowed his mind to blank out and disassociate while it did this. He was even proud to a point, that he could maintain composure despite everything that happened to him. But what Dan didn’t realize was that he was trapping himself in a castle made of glass that could break at any moment.

***

He could tell when the scan was over. There was the usual sound of the printer and Phil had sat back in his seat, no longer looking at the screen. The whole time Phil had watched the monitor so intensely and with such curiosity and… excitement? It made Dan feel something that he couldn’t quite place, but he was happy about it. Letting him sit in on the scan, telling him in the first place- they were ballsy moves that could’ve ended horribly. But they didn’t because Phil was Phil and Dan couldn’t imagine him being any less than kind and supportive in even the oddest of situations.

The smudged gel was wiped away and he quickly pulled his shirt back down. It was a little awkward not being to hide his stomach like he normally did. Dan tried not to look at himself in the mirror very often, but he was aware of how it was starting to change. Phil had to have noticed it too.

 Dr. Lee scribbled some notes down and put the pictures that had been printed into his file before turning to say goodbye.  “Dan, I’ll see you tomorrow when hopefully you’ll be able to get off bedrest. And it was nice to have you here Phil, I hope I see you around more often.” She smiled and left.

* * *

  ** _Phil’s Perspective_**

It was quiet after Jennifer left, neither boy quite sure of what to say. Phil couldn’t believe anything he had just seen. It was incredible. _It’s an actual human baby. With a head and a heartbeat and it’s real and growing. Oh my god._ He could barely take his attention off the monitor the entire time, save for some glances at Dan, whose reactions were a little different than what Phil expected. He was quiet for most of it, sort of distant, like his mind was somewhere else. There were a few times when he spoke up and seemed interested, but then almost immediately shut back down. Phil wanted to talk about it all so badly, but judging Dan’s reaction to simply seeing his baby, he wasn’t sure what to say.

“That was…” He left the phrase open-ended to test the waters.

“Why don’t we decorate my walls?” Dan changed the subject.

“Huh?”

“The posters and stuff you got me, let's hang them up.”

“But you’re not allowed out of bed.” Phil was still learning to keep up with how quickly Dan could switch topics and create distractions.

“I’ll tell you where I want them, you can tape them.”

“Oh, so you’re making me do all the work, yeah? That’s how this works?” He teased.

“You beat me at Mario Kart. It’s what you get.”

Phil laughed. “Pretty sure that’s not how it works, but alright.”

He left the room and got some tape from the nurse stationed at the desk. As Phil looked around at the walls, deciding where the best spots for the posters would be, he noticed a picture already hanging beside Dan’s bed. It was a small, simply framed photograph of pink flowers that accented the blue room. He recognized the style as there were probably hundreds of similar stock photos decorating walls all over the hospital.

“How about we get rid of the flower picture and put a poster there instead.” Phil proposed, assuming pink flowers wasn’t exactly Dan’s aesthetic.

But the suggestion caused an immediate reaction from Dan. “No, don’t. Uh… they’ve kinda grown on me. Also, they’re called primroses.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to post, I was really stuck with how to end it. I decided to keep it on the lighter side because the next chapter is a rough one. I hope you liked it, let me know what you think!


	10. Trust

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

In the mirror, Dan looked like a sleepy mess. His curls were a mop, a baggy t-shirt hung off his shoulders, and one leg of his sweatpants was hitched up to his knee. But for once, Dan didn’t feel like a mess. It was a rare morning where he had managed to sleep through the night without being woken up by the need to vomit. Padding over in his socks to his new desk, he grabbed a book that he planned to read while he had breakfast when he saw both Nurse Anna and Dr. Lee approach his door. They both had this look on their faces that immediately made his stomach drop. _Oh no._

“What’s wrong?” Dan asked, not bothering with morning pleasantries.

Neither woman said anything, and they looked at each other, trying to carry a mental conversation that Dan wasn’t privy too.

“Seriously, what’s going on?”

Anna spoke first, caution in her voice. “Daniel, there has been a development in your case that we have to talk to you about.”

“My case? Is there something wrong with me?” His hand flew to his stomach protectively.

He saw how his doctor and nurse were softened by the motion, and Anna let out a gentle cooing noise. She walked over to Dan and led him to sit down with her on the edge of his bed.

“No, no you’re okay. It’s not your medical case. Your… the police. The police case,” Anna tried to explain.

His mouth went dry and his muscles stiffened. _What do the police want with me?_

“Dan, the police are here because they have potentially identified a suspect, and they need to talk to you about it,” Dr. Lee said, finally speaking up from where she still stood by the door.

Jennifer was steadier than Anna, which comforted him slightly, but everything she said did the opposite of calming him. He thought the police were done with him, it had been two months since he last gave them a statement. _I don’t want to talk to the police about anything._

“They’re waiting in Dr. Lester’s office, are you going to be okay to go talk to them?” Anna asked.

Dan’s mouth was dry and sticky, and he couldn’t answer her, so he could only nod in response, disobeying all the signals in his brain yelling at him not to go. 

“We’ll stay with you the whole time, it’s going to be okay. Just answer their questions and you can come right back.” Jennifer assured him. “You don’t even need to get changed.”

His mind was racing, and every conscious thought he had disappeared in a tornado-like vortex that was storming in his head. Dan couldn’t make sense of anything anymore, it was all moving too fast to process, and he felt himself start to shut down from fear. It was as if he lost control of his own mind and was put into autopilot.

Anna put her hand on his arm to lead him out of the room and Dan realized he could barely feel it. All of his nerves were on fire and attacking his insides, numbing the world around him. Dread and anxiety clawed at him from every angle, eating at his muscles, his stomach, his lungs. His eyes were glazed over and could only focus on a singular point ahead of him- a pleat on the back of Dr. Lee’s white coat. Everything else faded in the background. He followed Jennifer, but he couldn’t feel his own feet on the linoleum floor like he was floating in a dream. The hand on his arm was the only thing that grounded him.

When they were outside of Dr. Lester’s office, he stopped.

“What do I do?” Dan asked, his voice shaking.

The door of the office was opened just a crack and he could see the back of a police uniform inside. Dan was no longer floating. As the reality of the situation was looking him in the face, his senses came hurtling back at full speed, punching him in the gut.

“You just do what they say and that’s all. If you need to leave, we’ll leave.” Anna whispered to him, squeezing his arm for reassurance before letting go.

The mahogany and black leather furnishings of the office were familiar to Dan from the last time he visited this office. It was a cloudy morning, casting the impressive view from the large window in gloomy shadows. Dan was sitting on a couch in the corner of the room, Anna was next to him for support, and Dr. Lee stood beside Dr. Lester near his desk.

There were two police officers. The one who introduced himself as Officer Andrew Wright sat across from him. Officer Wright was a middle-aged man with black-brown hair, kept in a short buzzcut. He had a very thick, square face and a broad build that was intimidating if it weren’t for his infant-like blue eyes. He wasn’t wearing a police uniform, just a white button-up shirt with a black tie and pants.

Behind him on the far side of the room lurked a short female officer in full uniform. She wore a similar white button-up but with black cargo pants and boots, a checkered tie, and a bulky police vest. Her blond hair was pulled back in a small, tight ponytail, secured under her bowler hat. Dan couldn’t remember what her name was, only that she seemed more threatening than Officer Wright.

“Mr. Howell is it okay if I call you Daniel?” Officer Wright asked.

Dan nodded, wide-eyed and shaking.

“Well, Daniel, you can call me Andrew. I want you to trust me.”

 _That will never happen._ There was something distinctly unnerving about the way Officer Wright spoke. His tone was too commanding and in control, while still being calm and measured. The dichotomy was disarming.

“Have you been told why I’m here?”

“You-” Dan’s voice cracked, and he grunted to try and clear it, “You found a suspect.”

“Yes. We have matched fingerprints from the scene to someone who has been recently arrested for an unrelated offense, and now we just need a little help from you. In order to process a DNA test, you have to visually identify the man who you believe was your attacker.”

Dan nodded his head again. _DNA. A criminal’s DNA. Your baby is made up of a criminal’s DNA._

“Since we can’t take you to do a lineup in person, I’m going to show you five pictures instead and I need you to point out which one was your attacker if he’s pictured. Are you willing to cooperate?”

Dan gulped. “Yes.”

He would never be able to forget the man’s red hair, his slimy hands, his beady little face. There were important details, like his approximate height and eye color, that he couldn’t remember when the police originally questioned him. But Dan was drunk that night and blacked out after a point, so there was no helping his memory, and he was okay with that. He was okay with not having a complete picture if it made escaping the memories easier, if it made the flashbacks fuzzier. That was about to be taken away from him. His heart was racing, and nausea was bubbling deep in his stomach. Each breath was a little sharper than the last. This was it.

Officer Wright opened up a manila folder and laid out the images on the coffee table between them. They were large and glossy letter-sized photographs taken in front of a gray wall under a harsh light. Not a detail could be missed. The first photo- _too skinny_. The second photo- _too bald_. The third photo- _too tall_. The fourth photo- _oh_.

The man was beastly and revolting. His face was fat and dirty, covered in dark freckles with hair thinner than Dan remembered, but still that bright, fiery shade of red-orange. And there was also a distinguished purple welt on his left eye. _I wish whoever punched him did more than a black eye._

His heart skipped unbelievably faster, hands balling into fists to keep from shaking. The officer placed another photo on the table, but Dan pointed at the fourth photo and nodded his head vigorously.

“You’ve identified person number four as your attacker?”

“Yes,” Dan said, his voice squeaking.

Anna placed her hand on Dan’s knee, which he didn’t realize was bouncing. Dr. Lee had stepped forward to look at the image, and her face was washed with revulsion and heartbreak. Dan just wanted to leave. He wanted the pictures gone, he didn’t want to look at that face any longer. _Go away, go away, go away, go away._

“You’re positive this is him?”

“It’s him.”

Finally, Officer Wright put the photos away. Dan sunk into the plush couch, trying to catch his breath. Anna was whispering reassuring praises, and he was just glad it was over.

“Thank you for your help, Daniel. We’ll be in contact if there’s anything else we need from you but be assured that he’s in police custody and will not be able to harm you or anyone else again.”

_I don’t trust you._

Officer Wright and the other police lady got up and quietly talked to Dr. Lester before leaving.

Jennifer and Anna were both at his side now, Dr. Lee repeating counts of four, seven, and eight to slow his rapid breathing while Anna continued to say calming things to him and took his pulse. Dan tried to focus on the breathing counts, but his mind was a mess of thoughts, panic still nipping at him. But slowly, one voice in his head started to speak above the others until it was the only thing he could think of.

“Phil.”

“What was that?” Anna asked Dan.

“I want Phil.”

Dr. Lester spoke up, talking to Dan directly for the first time that morning. “Philip is at school and he isn’t coming in today.”

“Phil, I want Phil,” Dan said, pleading more this time, his voice breaking.

No one else said anything but Dan watched Anna take her phone out of her pocket, and he hoped that she knew how to contact Phil. He sighed and closed his eyes, letting Jennifer lead him in more breathing counts until he was okay to stand up and leave.

Anna guided him back to his room while Dr. Lee and Dr. Lester stayed behind talking. His breakfast for the morning was sitting on his bed table, but Dan didn’t feel like eating. Instead, he walked over to his window, violently pulling his shades all the way open. The sky was even darker now, wind blowing the trees in the courtyard below him. Colorful leaves floated down to the ground, while more dead ones rolled around on the pavement. Dan fell into the chair that was in front of the window, pulling his legs to his chest, curling up to watch the weather. Rain fell quietly against the glass, sliding down in little streaks before dripping away.

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

The texts from Anna came while he was at lunch, and made Phil immediately change his plans for the day.

 **Anna:** Can you come here after school?

 **Anna:** Dan needs you, please.

They were vague and didn’t imply much of anything, but something awful had to have happened for Anna to text him. Phil only had her number for emergencies, and only used it a handful of times before. His mind started to spiral into what-ifs and worst-case scenarios. _What if he fainted again? Or got hurt? Something could’ve happened to the baby. Maybe someone’s died._ It was perhaps a little dramatic, but he couldn’t chance leaving Dan alone if he needed him. Phil wanted to be there for him no matter what.

 **Phil:** I’ll be there as soon as I can

***

When school was over he took a taxi to get to the hospital instead of walking as usual. It was only a 20-minute walk that Phil usually savored, but he didn’t have time for those 20 minutes today. The drive shaved ten whole minutes off his trip, and once he was inside the hospital, he made a beeline for the lift. There was no time for pleasantries, and he didn’t even stop to see who was stationed at the nurse’s desk, walking straight to room 316.

Dan was sitting at his window. The blinds were open all the way, which was unusual, and light softly silhouetted him. He didn’t seem to notice that Phil was in his room and continued to stare outside at what appeared to be nothing in particular. At least he looks kind of okay.

“Dan?” Phil asked, hovering halfway in the room, unsure of what to do now that he was finally here.

Hearing Phil’s voice seemed to drag Dan out of his daze, and he turned and smiled slightly, relief evident on his face. “Hi.”

“Are you… what happened? Anna said you needed me.” He tried to sound less concerned than he really was, taking a few more steps across the room.

Dan didn’t say anything for a while. At first, Phil was confused as to what was going on, but he eventually got the message and walked over, sitting on the swivel stool that Dr. Lee normally sat in. Quiet time. That’s what Dan wanted. So, he looked out the window, observing how the weather had significantly improved since he left for school that morning. It rained and even stormed briefly during the duration of the day, but the clouds mostly dissipated since then, and sunlight was reflecting against the wet courtyard pavement.

Phil’s attention span didn’t last very long, and he started spinning back in forth in his chair, using it as an opportunity to watch Dan a little closer. His brow was furrowed, and his lips were turned down in a small frown as he concentrated intensely out the window. It didn’t appear that he changed out of the clothes he slept in, and his curls were particularly frizzy. _Something definitely happened today._

“I never told you why I got here in the first place,” Dan said, breaking the silence and startling Phil.

“No, you told me. Right?” He was confused.

“Not that,” Dan glanced at Phil, but didn’t make eye contact. “I mean before that. The whole reason I was admitted to hospital last month.”

“Um, I guess not then?”

“I was found unconscious on the bathroom floor of a pub.”

Phil was reminded of the gossip he heard when the lonely boy in room 316 first showed up when stories were floating around as to why he was there. He remembered there being something about A&E and a minor in a bar. “How?” _Was that too nosy?_

“I bought a fake ID, drank too much, and then some guy locked me in the bathroom and raped me,” Dan stated bluntly, turning to look directly at Phil.

All the air was suddenly sucked out of the room. Phil was acutely aware of the way his mouth fell open slightly, but when he tried to say anything, no sound came out. He couldn’t even think, something short-circuited his ability to react in any way. Dan was still holding his gaze intensely, almost in a challenging way, but his amber-brown eyes were glossy and scared. Instinctively, Phil put his arms out for a hug, not knowing what else to do or say.

“Please don’t touch me,” Dan said quickly, withdrawing into his chair.

Phil jerked his arms away immediately. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he muttered.

“No, no it’s not it’s terrible, awful and I can’t- are you okay? No one should do-”

“Phil,” he spoke up to stop Phil from his exasperated babbling. “Please, stop.”

“Sorry,” Phil muttered.

Dan sighed. “What I was trying to get to was that the police were here today, they found the guy and I had to identify him.”

“Oh.”

“And I… and it was just so much. I had to see his picture and point it out and he’s so scary.” Dan collapsed forward in his chair, leaning over to bury his head in his hands.

“ _Dan._ ”

“I don’t know what to do. He’s arrested and I’m okay, but I don’t feel okay and I don’t know what to do. I’ve just… I’ve just been inside this hospital for two months and I was safe in here but there’s still all this world outside and I don’t know if I’ll ever be safe out there even if that monster is put away behind bars forever.”

Phil leaned forward and placed his hand on Dan’s armrest, careful not to touch him. He wanted to do something to make sure Dan knew that he was there for him even if he couldn’t physically reassure him. “Do you see a therapist?”

“They wanted me to see one of the therapists they have here, but I refused,” Dan said quietly.

“Maybe you should reconsider it? At the very least a therapist would be able to help you know what to do next.” Phil broached the topic hesitantly. He used to see a therapist a few years ago and remembered how difficult it was at first to accept that it was something he needed to do.

“Maybe.”

Dan got quiet again and they both turned their attention back out the window. It was late afternoon and it looked like it finally cleared up for the day. He was still struggling to fully comprehend what Dan told him. It was awful to think about, and it broke his heart that anyone would do such a thing. It was reassuring, however, that the police were able to take care of it, but that didn’t seem to be enough for Dan. He also felt a little hopeless, unable to comfort his friend the way he wanted to, but that was understandable. It was just something he needed to be conscious of, giving Dan as much physical space as he wanted. As Phil watched the people meandering in the courtyard below him he saw a nurse walking with a little girl in a princess costume. _That’s it._

“Do you want to go outside?” Phil asked out of the blue.

“You mean the courtyard? The benches still look wet.”

“No, I mean outside. Like, go out there.” He gestured to the skyline beyond the walls of the hospital.

Dan froze in his seat. “I… I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“The doctors don’t want me going far away in case something happens.”

“Well do you think something will happen?” Phil stood up, excitement rising in his voice as his idea came together in his head. All he needed to do was convince Dan.

“Well I mean I don’t feel nauseous for once,” Dan said.

“So? Do you want to go outside?”

“I… I don’t know. There are people outside. And I’m you know-” He pointed at his stomach.

“No one can tell Dan, you’re just a normal kid to everyone else but these doctors. And I’ll be with you.”

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

He was seriously considering it. Both he and Phil were standing up now, Dan pacing as he thought about what Phil was proposing. Going outside. It was a vague proposition, but Phil seemed to have more in mind than what he was letting on since he was almost shaking in anticipation. It was infectious. Phil made a fair point too, that the excuse that his health would drastically change was unlikely. Today was the first day in a while he wasn’t experiencing too many symptoms.

 _You’re just a normal kid to everyone else._ God was it all he ever wanted; the chance to be a normal kid. He was knocked up, trapped in a hospital, prisoner to his body and his mind- except when Phil was there. It was like Phil made everything a little brighter, a little more hopeful. His smile and his silly jokes never failed to make Dan forget everything else that was so shitty about this situation. And now Phil was telling him that he could leave the hospital, just for a little bit, and do something normal around other normal people?

There were a lot of things outside the security of the hospital that terrified Dan. The police assured him that his rapist had been put away, but was that enough? Did that guarantee that there weren’t other equally as awful people outside that would try to hurt him? And there were reasons why his doctors had restrictions on him. They really had no idea when something could go terribly wrong. He was still a freak of nature, and try as they might, they had no control over when everything might blow up and kill him on the spot.

_But Phil will be there._

“Okay,” Dan agreed, nodding in Phil’s direction as he consented to whatever plan he was coming up with.

“Yes! Okay, give me like ten minutes,” Phil said, rushing from the room without a second thought.

_Phil Lester might be the only person to ever get me to do something like this._

***

Phil walked back into the room about fifteen minutes later, carrying a few odd items in his hands, slightly out of breath.

“What did you do?” Dan asked, raising his eyebrows in uncertainty.

“Costumes!” Phil said enthusiastically, holding up two headbands, one with bear ears and one with cat ears, and what looked to be a whiteboard marker.

“What do we need those for?” Dan grabbed the bear ears, putting them on and looking in the full-length mirror on the wall.

“It’s Halloween night, we’re trick-or-treating.” Phil’s gleeful smile twisted into something a little scarier, “Boo!”

Dan didn’t flinch at the shit attempt at a jump scare, but he smiled at the idea of going trick-or-treating. He hadn’t been since he was a child and his mom got tired of putting effort into costumes. He almost completely forgot that it was today. The pumpkin and bat decorations that lined the hallways had long since faded into the background when they were strung up earlier in the month.

“I usually go with my friends,” Phil continued, “But no one was planning to go this year because they’re lame. You’re much cooler than them.”

Dan blushed. “Do you think the doctors will let me go with you?”

 “My dad’s in surgery all night and as of five minutes ago, I saw Jennifer leaving for the night. I’m not sure where Anna is but there’s just an orderly at the nurse’s station right now, so we can sneak out,” Phil said, pointing at the young girl in the hallway wearing a striped apron.

“You want me to sneak out?!”

“Yeah, we’ll tell her we’re joining the pediatric ward for their little trick-or-treating thing around the second floor but walk out the back instead.”

“You’re absolutely mad.”

“I’m a mad lad,” Phil joked.

The plan wasn’t very difficult, and it sounded a lot more fun than sitting in his room playing video games for the umpteenth night in a row. He looked out the window where the sun was already starting to set. _It’s going to be really crowded and dark. So many people you don’t know. People with scary masks and people without masks who are just as scary._

“Dan,” Phil walked over to him, “if you don’t want to we don’t have to. We can actually go to the event downstairs with the other kids. Or play some spooky games or we could do literally nothing, it doesn’t matter. Whatever you want to do, I’ll be here.”

“No, I want to go with you. But if there are too many people do you think…”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think we could just like go in somewhere to sit down for a bit?” He felt childish having to ask for a security plan, but Dan wasn’t sure how much he would be able to tolerate all the crowds.

“Of course.” Phil smiled reassuringly. “Now let’s work on our costumes, you wanna be the bear?”

“Yeah, I think I have a brown jumper somewhere.”

Dan went into his bathroom and dug around until he found his old brown sweater. It wasn’t particularly soft or fuzzy, but it was baggy and a light brown color that complimented the ears he was wearing. Phil was still around the corner, so Dan shrugged off his t-shirt and put the jumper on. When he left the bathroom, Phil was standing in front of his mirror with the dry erase marker, drawing in a circle on his nose.

“What are you doing?” Dan asked incredulously.

“Cat whiskers,” Phil said like it was completely normal.

He drew three straight lines on his left cheek and Dan could start to see how the look was coming together. The cat ears on his head had a yellow plaid print on the inside that complimented his plaid purple shirt. When Phil turned to get his right cheek, however, the marker skidded along his skin and drew a jagged squiggle right towards his eye.

Dan laughed at Phil, who was pouting as he rubbed the ink off with his sleeve.

“Here, let me.”

He walked over and took the marker and Phil looked at him curiously but turned towards him anyways. They were incredibly close, Phil’s shoes just centimeters away from touching Dan’s socked feet. An uncomfortable prickle ran up Dan’s spine and his breath hitched, but he focused on Phil’s eyes and tried to will the feeling away. His eyes were so distinct this close up. From a distance, he always thought they were blue, but Dan could see a light rim of gold surrounding his iris, fading into green then blue. Just like the ocean, they had a calming effect when you looked at them.

Phil blinked at him. “Uhh… Dan. Whiskers please.”

“Oh sorry. Uh. Your eyes are pretty.” _Fuck._

Phil laughed lightly, and Dan could feel his face turn red all the way to the tips of his ears.

Focusing on the task at hand, he very carefully held Phil’s chin between his thumb and forefinger, turning his cheek to the side. Dan tried to mimic the placement of the other three whiskers, drawing the lines carefully but as quickly as possible, hoping to get this over with so he could flee from the awkwardness he created.

“Thank you,” Phil said when Dan was done, his voice endearingly sweet, which made him wonder if he was thanking him for the whiskers or the compliment.

***

Sneaking out of the hospital was an adventure. Phil blatantly lied to the young girl stationed outside his room, and they both felt a little bad about it, but at the same time it started pumping the adrenaline through them and made them giddy. They weaved through the corridors quickly, slowing down when people would pass by, trying to act as casual as possible despite the fact that they were wearing animal ears borrowed from the daycare and had marker drawn on their faces. As soon as the person would pass, they broke into a fit of giggles, telling each other to shush when they saw someone else. Phil took them down a hidden staircase into the basement where they left out a backdoor supposedly unseen. Once they hit the open air the two boys looked behind them, surprised they managed to actually get out, and then broke into a run down the block laughing the whole time.

There were a lot of people on the roads like he predicted. Traffic moved slowly, headlights illuminating the pavement as Dan and Phil walked aimlessly. He didn’t feel scared, however, and it was fun seeing what costumes all the little children were wearing. There were teenagers and some adults dressed up too, likely on their way to parties or clubs for the night, and their costumes were scarier and darker. Even then, no one seemed to notice them, and they talked to about Halloween memories from when they were little and what they liked about the holiday now.

Dan and Phil didn’t plan to go door to door for candy since neither of them brought bags to hold any, but Phil slowed their pace and approached a larger house that was lavishly decorated. Fog floated along the grass on the front lawn, spilling out onto the pavement. Fake cobwebs were draped over the bushes that lined the property and hung from the trees as spooky Halloween beats drifted from a speaker on the porch at the end of the lane.

On one side of the path, there was plastic, but realistically detailed tombstones sticking out of the ground at odd angles, glowing from green lights, casting hazy shadows amidst the fog. There were skeletons out from the dirt in front of the tombstones, one of which twitched eerily. On the other side of the path, across from the cemetery, was a large, black cauldron. More fog billowed out over the edges, illuminated by purple lights. Five human-sized witch statues surrounded the cauldron, their hats pointy and cloaks long and tattered. At the head of the cauldron stood an animatronic witch, her face lit up in green, emphasizing her crooked nose, hideous features, and glowing eyes. She moved her hand in sharp, robotic circles over the stew, repeating a spell before cackling loudly. 

“They really went all out,” Dan commented.

“Let’s go up,” Phil said viewing the theatrical display with excitement. “We need to get at least one piece of candy tonight, it’s like a rule.”

He laughed at Phil and agreed, walking down the path together, passing the little cemetery and the witches.

“AHAHAHAHA,” yelled one of the witches, turning around and jumping at them from her spot.

Dan and Phil screamed, leaping away dramatically, clinging to each other in fear. They panted, watching the witch smile wickedly before returning to her pose. Then the two boys broke down laughing as they realized they were tricked by a person posing like the other statues. Phil was doubled over, hands on his knees, and Dan was holding on to his arm, head buried in his shoulder.

As the moment passed, they both realized how they had become entangled with each other, and awkwardly Dan stepped away. His mind lingered on it though, analyzing how he had instinctively clung to Phil for protection. If he were alone he would’ve had a panic attack, but instead, there was someone safe and warm right behind him, ready and willing to catch him. Dan trusted Phil.

“I hope you don’t plan to throw me in front of a real witch if we ever come across one,” Phil joked.

“I probably would.”

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

At the end of the short path, a normal looking couple sat on the steps and gave them each a candy bar. They didn’t bother to dress up, but their yard more than made up for it. Leaving the house, they both gorged into their candy. Phil, still hungry, convinced Dan that they should get something else to eat and they stepped into an ice cream shop, both getting Halloween coloured sprinkles on their respective flavors.

It was later now, nearing 10, and they needed to get back before anyone realized that Dan was actually missing. Phil was getting more nervous about their getaway plan and how he hadn’t exactly thought it through well enough. He knew there were serious rules and lock down codes about that kind of thing, and he really hoped that no one thought Dan had run away or been kidnapped. They ate their ice cream in silence on the walk back, shoulders occasionally touching as they kept out of the way for the last of the trick-or-treaters.

When they reached Dan’s ward, Anna was sitting at the nurse’s station, arms crossed with an impatient look on her face. _Shit._ The boys froze when they saw her, and she pointed her finger at Phil motioning for him to come forward. Dan fled to his room but watched them from the window that looked out into the hallway.

“I had half a mind to call a code for a missing person when I was told you boys didn’t come back from the children trick-or-treat downstairs. You better thank your lucky stars I saw you two idiots leave out the back stairwell and knew you weren’t actually missing,” Anna scolded.

“I’m sorry.” Phil looked down at his shoes.

“If you want to do something like that again, you should at least let someone know, and not lie to a poor orderly who didn’t know any better. There are rules for a reason, Phil. You two could have gotten hurt, especially Dan.”

“Sorry.”

“What were you thinking?” She asked, exasperated.

“I wanted to show him that not everyone is bad outside,” Phil answered, ashamed he had been caught.

Anna sighed. “I’m guessing he told you then?”

“Yeah.”

“Well go say goodbye and head home for the night. And please don’t pull that kind of stunt again.”

“I promise,” he smiled at her thankfully and walked back to Dan’s room.

Dan’s bathroom door was open, and he was stood at the sink mirror scrubbing away the marker on his face with a wet paper towel. When he saw Phil in the reflection, he handed the second towel to him, scooting to the side so they could both use the small mirror. Their shoulders and arms were up against each other, and Phil was surprised at the contact. When Dan jumped into his arms after the witch scared them, it felt nice, being trusted to save him. Dan stayed closer to him for the remainder of the night, not afraid of being touched like he was earlier that day. He didn’t think much had changed, but maybe it had, thanks to that witch.

“Did we get in trouble?” Dan asked.

“I got scolded a little but you’re fine. I just need to go home soon,” he said, a little disappointed he had to leave early now. Phil intended to stay until just before his father’s operation was finished.

Discarding the paper towels in the trash, Dan turned to him. Phil couldn’t read his exact expression, but he looked soft and happy. Then he leaned up on his toes just a little, wrapping his arms around Phil’s shoulders. _He’s hugging me._ Phil hugged Dan back, latching his arms around the brunette’s back, careful not to squeeze too hard.

“ _Thank you_ ,” Dan whispered in his ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, that was a long chapter. I hope I did it justice and that you enjoyed it. Let me know what you thought, quite a lot happened! And thanks as always for reading, the comments on the last chapter were really encouraging.


	11. Baby or No Baby

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

It was too goddamn early. The sun was barely peaking up over the horizon and the sky was still dark; only in the distance could he see the yellow glow of morning breaking through the clouds. Rubbing his eyes, Dan turned away from his window and reached for his phone on the side table. _5:37 AM. Fuck me._ It was too late to try for any restful sleep when a nurse would be there to wake him up early for his important day. With a dramatic groan, he put his phone away and tucked further into his blankets.

The nightmares were what woke him up. Lately, it was always the nightmares. _You should write them down_. The voice of his new therapist, Dr. Thompson, rang in his head _. It’s about learning to face things not hide from them._ Dan rolled his eyes. Getting up and finding his journal was the last thing he wanted to do. But aside from telling him to write about his dreams at the ass crack of dawn, Dan surprisingly appreciated his therapist. Dr. Thompson was an older man, likely in his late fifties, with a bald head and thin-rimmed glasses, and he was endlessly intelligent. They were only getting to know each other but he was a good listener, and Dan hoped that it wasn’t going to be completely awful seeing a therapist.

When his doctors told him that therapy would be part of his treatment, he flat out refused. Dan told himself that he could do it alone, that talking to a stranger about his problems would only make things worse. Just the thought of it made him anxious. However, when Phil told him to consider therapy, it was more of a suggestion than a doctor’s order, like something he could choose to do for himself. It still didn’t make Dan want to go anymore. But the nightmares and invasive memories had returned with a vengeance after he identified his attacker and it all got to be too much, and soon he found himself meeting with Dr. Thompson more than once a week to start.

But today wasn’t going to be a normal day, nor would it be a normal week. In the morning he had a meeting with Dr. Lee and Dr. Lester, Wednesday he had to get blood taken, and later in the week, he had an important appointment. Thinking about it made Dan’s stomach flip, and he turned over in his bed, pulling his knees up to curl into a ball. The meeting today was to “discuss his options and intentions” as very formally stated by Jennifer the last time she checked in on him.

 _Options and intentions._ Such open-ended words that made his head spin. Dan knew, deep down, what they were going to be discussing- abortion, adoption, and parenthood. _I wish I could intend to do none of the above_. But he was going to have to face whatever it was they would tell him at this meeting, and not hide from it. Which meant he couldn’t tell Phil.

It hurt that he wouldn’t be able to see him at all that week. Phil was well-intentioned, really. Full of smiles and energy, he liked to make Dan happy and forget about his problems. And he was brilliant at it too, at creating distractions that would allow Dan to hide from everything that was going on. Like going trick-or-treating. It was fun and silly, however, when Phil left, Dan still had to face the crushing reality of what happened that day with no idea about how to deal with it. So, for at least this week, he needed to be alone to lie around and think about the big, scary things in his life that couldn’t go away.

***

Dan far preferred Dr. Lee’s office to Dr. Lester’s. She had similar leather furnishings, but the walls were a much more pleasant shade of dark green, and there were decorations that gave a little glimpse into her life.

A picture on her bookshelf showed a much younger version of herself posing with a badminton racket as a gold medal hung around her neck. There were cat themed knick-knacks scattered around the room, so Dan assumed she was a cat person. And proudly displayed on her desk was a framed photo of her hugging a young child who undoubtedly was her daughter. They had the same black hair, the same button nose, and the same toothy smile.

The last time he was in this room Dan never bothered to look at all these details. And despite knowing Dr. Lee for a little over two months, he never bothered to ask about her personal life and had no idea she had a kid.

“Is this your daughter?”

Jennifer glanced up from her laptop where she was working while they waited for Dr. Lester. Picking up the photo, she smiled lovingly down at the image. “Yes. My little Bridgette. This was her first day of kindergarten; she’s almost ten now.”

“Awe that’s cute.”

The photo was put down, and they lapsed back into silence, apart from the click-clacking of Dr. Lee’s keyboard. Surprisingly, Dan wasn’t too nervous. He was anxious for much of the morning but remembered to practice the calming exercises that Dr. Thompson shared with him. The coziness of the office helped too. If he were in Phil’s dad’s stark, polished office, he would be considerably more scared.

Suddenly, the door to the room swung open, and Dr. Lester bustled in. He clutched an overflowing folder to his chest and tried to navigate the door shut without losing any of the papers that threatened to fall.

“Sorry, so sorry I’m late. Got held up with the board,” he apologized, walking over to Dr. Lee where he dropped his folder unceremoniously on the desk.

The whole scene was rather comedic. Dan had never seen Dr. Lester such a mess before. Even his tie was slightly askew. The way he moved, so graceless and awkward, was very unlike his usual Chief of Surgery persona and instead reminded him a lot more of how Phil carried himself.

The doctor pulled the chair out from beside Dan and slid it over to the other side of the desk beside Jennifer. Adjusting his tie and organizing his papers, Dr. Lester resumed his usual professional façade, and everything immediately felt a lot more serious.

Dr. Lee spoke first. “So, Dan, we have some important matters to discuss today about what to do going forward. Your options and intentions, as I said before.”

He sat up straighter in his chair and nodded.

“You’re ten weeks along now, which means you are almost to the end of your first trimester. You’re doing quite well, perfectly healthy, and that’s great considering the number of risks you could have faced. That doesn’t mean there won’t be another set of risks facing you going on, however. So, you have some decisions coming up to make regarding your care,” she said.

 _Risks._ The word made him squirm.

She continued speaking. “There are a few tests that we want to explain to you, some of which are necessary, and others are optional. But first and foremost, it’s really important to us that you know you still have other choices.”

“What um, what choices?” He knew the answer but asked anyway.

“If you would like, you could have an abortion. I’ve been working very diligently to devise the safest possible procedure, considering it would need to be different than the normal methods. Legally, you have until the twenty-fourth week to decide, but it would be infinitely safer and more practical, if you choose, to have an abortion as soon as possible,” Dr. Lester explained.

It was blunt, and quick to the point, but he expected nothing less from the doctor. Dan was reminded of when his mother was there, forcefully telling him what he had to do. “But can I? My uh, my mum didn’t really um…”

“You’re seventeen, that’s above the age requiring parental consent,” Dr. Lee assured him, “but of course they will need to know, because soon after you’ll be released back into their care.”

Dan had the chance. If he wanted to, he could take it. His mother couldn’t do shit besides throw a fit and possibly send him to France. _Was it worth it, staying in this bleach-smelling hell for another seven months, just to please my already disappointed parents?_

“What’s the- um what would happen if I… if I got one?” Dan asked hesitantly.

Opening his folder, Dr. Lester pulled out various forms, documents, and images. Dan recognized his most recent sonograms and his breath caught in his throat. He never looked at the images that were printed during his scans, even though they were right there in his file if he ever wanted to see them. They didn’t look much different from the time when Phil sat in, and Dan had paid attention for once, but it still shocked him. _I still can’t believe this is actually happening._

The doctors explained to Dan what would happen before, during, and after the “procedure.” He would need a lot of fancy scans and tests, and there would be appointments with different kinds of physicians who would assist Dr. Lester and Dr. Lee. And it definitely wasn’t a simple “procedure.” It was a legitimate operation, and as they explained it to Dan, he could feel his heart beat faster against his chest. _Laparoscopic. Minimally invasive. Anesthesia. Possible risks. Side effects._ His brain only picked up on these words, these big, scary words.

But then they described the alternative to him. It included several more months of observation, tighter restrictions, a new exercise regimen, increasing weight gain, discomfort, and of course he’d start showing. And that was just related to carrying the pregnancy, not labor and delivery. _Contractions. Fetal monitoring. Cesarean section. Major surgery. Several severe risks. Recovery._ Dan was sufficiently terrified.

He was there for an hour, maybe longer, listening to his doctors with wide eyes about all the decisions he would need to make. As the meeting came to a close, they handed him a thick pile of packets and pamphlets with important information to consider.

“So, look over those, think about what you want, and let us know whenever you are sure about what you decide. Remember, it’s completely your choice and no one else’s, and we will agree with whatever you want,” Jennifer assured him.

***

Thinking. Dan had absolutely too much time for thinking. He tried to busy himself with some of his online schoolwork, and even wrote in his journal about his nightmares like Dr. Thompson wanted. But there was still a lot of time left in the day for thinking. The information from his meeting buzzed around his head constantly, when he was eating, zoning out during homework, watching Netflix, taking a shower, trying to fall asleep. It never left the forefront of his mind. After a day and a half of agonizing deliberation, Dan made absolutely no progress on his decision of what to do. It was like walking in circles around a forest, every time he thought he was making it somewhere, his thoughts wound up in the same place they were an hour ago.

_I would be mad to think I could stay like this for seven more months. I’d be miserable, hiding in this wing uncomfortable and whale-like. Phil would probably be too disgusted to look at me. And I would be in so much pain and all for what? To be the subject of a once-in-a-lifetime science experiment? Only to give it away and go back to a normal life like nothing ever happened? Would it even be possible to be normal again?_

_But if I… get rid of it… then my parents would hate me. I’d be doing something they think is so awful that they could never forgive me. I’d probably be sent to France. But at least I could go back to school. Finish the year like everyone else. It’s only been two months. I could say I had some crazy disease and survived and eventually, I’ll completely forget everything. I’ll go to university and just never go out to bars again and live a completely average life where no one bothers me and die alone with my four dogs._

Back and forth, his mind played a game of ping-pong with his thoughts. No one had brought it up since, but he knew they were all waiting anxiously. And they weren’t waiting to hear about if he simply wanted the genetic tests or not, no, they were all waiting to hear if their little experiment would end sooner rather than later. But tomorrow was the day of his blood test, and Nurse Anna would have questions for which Dan had absolutely no answers.

***

Dan reclined in a large chair in an exam room, anxiously waiting for Nurse Anna to come back. She escorted him there from his wing at the end of the hall and left after taking his weight. He gulped down water, which seemed to be something he was always doing now, but today especially because no one wanted him to faint again. It was a tiny exam room with boring white walls and no posters or decorations. There wasn’t a ceiling tile painted above his head. It was just plain and small. He had heartburn after just eating lunch, and it was as if the small room was pressing in on him even more, agitating his discomfort.

He drummed an insistent rhythm on the side table connected to his armrest, staring pointedly at the wall across from him. There was a bin for biomedical waste and a warning sign displayed above it. The ringed design of the hazard symbol captured his attention for a reason he couldn’t place. Anna walked in, and his eyes darted to her and the tray of instruments she was carrying before he resumed staring at the sign. His forearm got placed on the padded armrest, and Anna explained the procedure to him as she went through the steps. The words went in one ear and out the other.  

“So, Dan, have you been up to any more shenanigans with Phil lately?” She asked, trying to distract him from what she was doing.

He felt the pinch of the needle. His breath hitched, but his eyes never left from the sign above the bin.

“I want the abortion.”

_Wait, what?_

The room was silent for a moment, and then Dan let out a long breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“Well then. I guess we can talk about this instead.” She laughed awkwardly, caught off guard.

Dan turned and looked at her. She was focused on her task at hand, but she eyed him with raised and questioning eyebrows, the look on her face indiscernible. He was as surprised as she was. Ten minutes ago, he still didn’t know what he was doing. But sometime between then and now his brain decided without informing him.

“Care to elaborate, Dan?”

“I… I don’t know.” He really didn’t know. “I just- uh…” He stumbled, looking for an explanation.

“Gut feeling?” She offered the phrase to fill in his blanks.

“Yeah. I guess that’s what it was.”

“I can make the appointment for you to meet with Dr. Lester again and an anesthesiologist as soon as tomorrow if that’s okay with you? He’s expressed urgency in scheduling this if you decided.”

Dan appreciated that she didn’t ask too many questions. He had a feeling, though, that more questions would be forthcoming in the next few days.

“Yeah, that’s fine, I guess I don’t have much else to do.” Dan shrugged, attempting to remain casual, but he felt far from calm inside where an argument with himself was being raged.

_How the fuck did I decide this?_

_What did I just do?_

***

Anna was serious when she said Dr. Lester wanted scheduling to be urgent. Dan was only just settling back in after his bloodwork before Dr. Lee appeared out of nowhere, informing him of the complete change in his schedule for the next week. There was a meeting tomorrow, an MRI and another appointment the day after, and then various scans to get done before Monday.

“Monday? As in this coming Monday?” Dan pulled up the calendar on his phone, staring at how soon that was.

“Yes, unless Dr. Lester pushes it back, that is when we’ve scheduled your procedure.”

“Oh.” _Jesus shit._

“And we’ll need you to have arrangements made with your parents or another guardian for soon after.”

“Okay.” _Don’t wanna do that._

“Are you confident in your decision Dan?”

“Yeah.” _Definitely not._

***

Dan carefully listened to the sounds coming from the hallway. His room was dark, and he was facing away from the door, feigning sleep. It was one in the morning, and he didn’t want the doctor in the hallway doing rounds to catch him awake. Patiently, he laid still until he heard the lift ding and the doors close. Silence. _Thank god._

He threw his sheets off himself and climbed out of bed in a flurry. A bout of nausea overtook him from getting up so fast, but Dan placed his hand over his mouth and scrambled to find his phone before running into the bathroom and locking the door behind him.

After retching for the second time that night, Dan sat in the corner of the bathroom, with Phil’s contact pulled up on his phone. He was probably asleep, but Dan was on the brink of losing his mind if he didn’t talk to someone. Every single doctor and nurse that walked through his doors that day had told him that they were there to talk if he needed. Dr. Lee even made sure to move his next appointment with Dr. Thompson forward. He didn’t want to talk to any of them; he only wanted to talk to Phil. Dan was stubborn when he told himself he needed to do this on his own, and now he was really second guessing that decision.

* * *

 

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil was startled when Dan’s face appeared on his phone, squinty-eyed and smiling in a picture from their Halloween night adventures. _Why the hell is he calling at this hour?_

“Dan?” Phil’s voice croaked.

“Fuck I woke you up didn’t I shit sorry never-” Dan said, fast and panicked.

“No, I wasn’t asleep it’s fine. But you are aware of what time it is, right?”

“I’m so sorry for bothering you, Phil.” The sentence ended in a choked off whimper that made Phil sit up straighter in his bed.

“Is something wrong? What happened?”

“I really need to talk to you.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Dan sighed, “But stuff has been happening, and it’s a lot, and I need someone to talk to.”

“Of course, anything, what is it?” He reached over and turned his bedside lamp on, focusing himself so he could be what Dan needed right now.

There was a hesitation on Dan’s end. “I… I don’t know how to say it.”

Now that Phil was more awake, it started to sink in that this was something really serious. It was 1 AM, and Dan called him out of the blue; everything felt very wrong. “Are you in your room? Has someone already checked on you for nightly rounds?” He asked suddenly.

“Uh yeah. They just left, why?”

Phil was already out of bed and shoved on a pair of sweatpants. “Stay there and give me like fifteen minutes.”

“What the fuck are you doing?”

“I’m sneaking out to see you that’s what,” Phil said with determination.

“It’s the middle of the bloody night, no you’re not,” Dan snapped back.

“Sorry Danny, but you can’t tell me what to do.” Phil slipped out of his room, shoes in his hand so he could be quiet on the stairs.

“Phil!”

He waited to respond until the back door to his house was shut quietly behind him. “I’m already outside; I’ll be there soon.”

“Oh my god it’s so dark out you could get hurt or mugged or-” Dan’s voice was panicking again.

“I’m going to be fine; I don’t live very far, trust me,” Phil reassured him. He was picking up his pace, the glittering lights in the near distance beckoning him.

“Please be careful Phil,” Dan said, voice full of worry and concern.

“I will don’t worry. I’m going to go now, I’ll see you soon.”

***

The hospital was always so quiet and creepy at night, especially in the back, less traveled corridors. Phil took a very indirect route, avoiding all the wings where the nurses and doctors would be busy and active regardless of the time of day, proud of how well he knew every turn and corner of the large building. When the lift dinged and opened its doors onto Dan’s wing, Phil could see him pacing in his room, illuminated by only a lamp light. Their eyes met across the hall, and Dan’s shoulders slumped, tension visibly leaving his body.

“I absolutely cannot believe you,” Dan chided, rushing Phil inside, closing the door quickly and pulling the blinds of his hallway window shut. “What the hell were you thinking?”

_I was thinking that I would do anything for you._

“Well hello to you too.” Phil sat down cross-legged on the end of Dan’s bed, patting the space in front of him for Dan to sit. “It was clear what you wanted was important. Important things are said in person, no matter what time of day.”

Dan sat down at the head of the bed and Phil could finally see how tired and frazzled his friend was. His curls were a fluffy mess, and his brown eyes were wide and alert, but they were red-rimmed and puffy with sleeplessness.

“How do you just sneak out with no care in the world? Wouldn’t your parents flip shit if they found out?”

“My dad sleeps like the dead. It’s not the first time I’ve done this, I’ve gone into the city with friends later than this,” Phil shrugged.

Dan stared at him like he was a mythical creature. “Who even are you?”

“I’m the friend who brought you snacks at one in the morning,” Phil said, pulling a bag of Haribo out of his pocket and tossed it onto the bed. “I know you said you were craving them and that the vending machines here were out. These are from my personal candy supply.”

The unbelievably soft look Dan gave him was worth everything in the world. “You’re giving me your candy? _Phiilll_ , you didn’t have to do that.”

“Yeah, I did, I know how they feed you here. I should bring you good food more often.” Lately, the texts Phil received from Dan were more often than not about whatever food of the week he desperately wanted but couldn’t get. Haribo was an easy request. He will get Dan all the candy in the world if that’s what he needed.

Dan brushed the offer off. “It’s okay, really.”

“Whatever you called about wasn’t okay. Do you still want to talk about it?” Phil changed the subject, carefully trying to broach whatever it was that had him so worked up.

Dan shifted uncomfortably, sliding further into his pillows like he could disappear. He dipped his head and hid his face, but still popped another few gummy bears into his mouth. When the silence extended for too long, Phil reached over and lightly tapped his knee.

“Whatever it is, I’ll listen.”

Dan took a deep breath before he spoke. “A few days ago, the doctors told me I should probably decide now if I wanted to uh… get an abortion. Cause, you know, things are starting to move along more. And I- I told Anna today that I wanted one. And it’s happening on Monday.”

Everything stilled while Phil rapidly tried to make sense of what was just said. Part of him knew that it made sense. It made more than enough sense, logically, that Dan didn’t want to be here and didn’t want to do this and wanted to go back to his normal life. And in no way should he do something so difficult and dangerous if he didn’t want to. But not all of Phil’s brain was logical.

Part of him was disappointed. _Dan’s leaving. Next week. He’s going to be gone next week, and everything is going to be the way it was before. I’m going to be alone again with friends I barely even like._ Phil wanted him to stay, if even for only a few more months. It was unfair, but Phil didn’t want to lose the best new person in his life.

“Oh.” It was all Phil could come up with as a response.

“Yeah.” Dan didn’t have much to say either.

They sat there across from each other on the bed, making and breaking awkward eye contact, a bag of quickly depleting Haribo between them.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Phil asked quietly.

“I didn’t know what you would say. I thought I should figure it out on my own.” Dan looked away shyly and picked at a hole in the hem of his shirt.

“That’s so soon. Are you going back to the boarding school in London?”

Dan shrugged. “I don’t know. I can’t go to my old school since I left, so I’ll have to start school in Reading I guess. My Mum’s also threatened to send me to France, and I’m so shit at French.”

“Well, I hope you don’t have to go to France. Can I…” he hesitated, trying to decide if he should ask the question that was nagging at him. Dan looked at him, his eyes glossy and golden in the dim lighting; Phil couldn’t hide anything from that face. “Can I ask why you want to… get rid of it?”

It’s like something kicked Dan’s brain back into overdrive, and he got off the bed in a huff, pacing again. “I don’t fucking know why, Phil. I didn’t even know I wanted to do it until I said it. It was out of nowhere. And then everything changed all of a sudden, and I have to have an operation in like five days, and I’m really not ready for that.”

The idea of Dan having surgery scared him. “That’s… a lot. You need an operation?”

“There’s only one way it’s coming out, mate, and that’s by cutting it out whether it be now or in a couple of months.”

As Dan stopped his pacing to glare at him, Phil noticed the way Dan’s tight t-shirt clung slightly to his stomach. There wasn’t much of a bump, he just looked a little bloated honestly, but it was a change, and it distracted him from their conversation.

When Dan noticed, he crossed his arms self-consciously and turned on his heels to look out the window. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like there’s something there.” Dan’s fingers briefly traced along his stomach. “Because there won’t be in a few days.”

It was impossible for Phil to keep up. He couldn’t tell what Dan was thinking or feeling and it was like every five minutes his mood would completely flip-flop. He sighed and reached out to touch his friend's elbow, seeking his attention back. “Look here, Dan. I’m not here to judge you. I just want to know what’s going on in your head.”

* * *

 

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

He tried to explain to Phil what he was thinking, even if his brain felt like a mushy mess of goo. It helped to say it out loud and articulate his thoughts, and slowly but surely all of his feelings and anxieties started to sort themselves out evenly. It was difficult saying some things, and others he completely skipped over, preferring not to share his deeper and darker worries. They didn’t really make it in any direction, often getting sidetracked, but it was over an hour later, and they were now sitting on opposite ends of the couch, socked feet overlapping, voices quiet. One final concern still dangled in Dan’s mind, unanswered.

Phil tossed the final gummy bear towards Dan’s face, and then missed the open mouth that was trying to catch it. They both giggled at the failure before a weighty silence dropped between them.

“What about you?” Dan asked timidly.

Phil looked away. “What about me?”

“What do you think I should do?”

“I can’t say that. I’m not you.”

There was a pause, and they looked at each other hesitantly. Dan had a feeling the question would be a dead end. Phil wasn’t the kind of person to impose his opinions. _He’s so considerate_.

“I mean… you’re not going to stop being my friend, will you? No matter what I do?” He asked the question so quietly, the words faded away before they were even finished.

Phil sat up and looked him square in the face, honest and assured. “No matter what you do, Dan, I will still be your friend. If you stay here, I’ll still come to see you. If you go home, or even to bloody France, I will still want to talk to you. Nothing can change that.”

The assertion that he wouldn’t lose his closest friend, come what may, filled Dan with a confidence in himself and in their odd little relationship that he didn’t have before.

“Baby or no baby?” Dan held out his pinky finger.

“Baby or no baby.” They linked pinkies, now bonded by a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I kept all of you waiting for so long with this chapter. I'm not sure how consistent my updates will be, but I never have been if you haven't noticed by now lol. Your comments and the occasional ask on my Tumblr really keep me inspired and I love reading them so much, thank you so much for them and for reading. Let me know what you thought of this chapter, it was a heavy one!


	12. Best Friends

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

An opened textbook and pages of notes were shoved to the side of the sleek white desk, heaped in a messy pile. Phil abandoned his homework ages ago in favor of playing with the new Sims 4 expansion pack he downloaded. It wasn’t that late, but it was getting dark earlier now, and the muted haze from a street lamp filtered in through the window and cast light across his keyboard. Somewhere in the distance he heard ambulance sirens and was reminded that his dad would actually be home for dinner for once. But that didn’t mean he would be having a nice meal. It was a safe bet that they would end up eating whatever kind of fast food his father decided to stop at on the way home.

As if on cue, Phil heard the hum of a car pulling into the drive before it shut off, punctuated by the slam of car door. With a groan, he minimized the game and muted the speakers. _Time to look busy_. He pulled his books back to the center of his desk, not caring that they were upside down. The door to the house opened and closed, and Phil could hear his dad rustling around downstairs. It was only a matter of minutes before there would be a knocking at his door.

Sometimes it was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Phil didn’t know why he got so uncomfortable when his dad was home, but there was a clear difference between how it felt having the house to himself and when he didn’t. He would hide away in his bedroom on the days his father had off, only leaving when necessary.

If this room was his metaphorical prison, then Phil was glad he liked it so much. His bed was large and comfortable with his favorite checkered blue and green comforter and across from it was a small TV with his many game systems. His desk, which he got new last year when he started the sixth form, was long and modern with a fancy PC set up on it. The desk was pushed into a corner beside a wide window overlooking the back garden. It was a nice room in a lavish house with everything he ever needed. _If only it felt like home._

Right on time, Phil’s father knocked on the door. “Phil?” Without waiting for a response, he walked in.

“Hi,” Phil said, and swiveled around in his chair. His dad looked tired as usual, his tie already loosened around his neck, and the cuffs of his dress shirt unbuttoned.

“I ordered a pizza, hope that’s okay.”

“That’s fine.” Phil could’ve made himself a better meal if he were home alone, but his dad required that they eat together as a “family” in awkward silence while the news played in the background.

“Be in the dining room in ten minutes.”

“Okay.”

***

Two and a half slices of pizza later and Phil was itching to excuse himself and escape back upstairs. The food wasn’t even that great, and it took all his self-control not to rip the extra cheese off. His dad never bothered to remember that he didn’t like cheese.

“How did your applications turn out?”

Phil tried not to wince. University conversation was his least favorite, but it was the only thing they ever seemed to talk about lately.

“They’re fine; I’m almost finished.” _That’s a complete and utter lie._

“ _Almost_ finished?”

 _Fuck._ “Uh…”

“Philip, medicine applications were due days ago, what do you mean they’re not done?” He raised his voice.

Phil looked down in his lap. This was exactly the reason he avoided talking about applications like they were the plague.

“I’ve meant to talk to you about that.” _Another lie._

“What are you talking about? Look at me in the eye, son,” his dad ordered sternly.

Phil looked up but avoided making eye contact, and instead stared at the wall behind him. He spoke quietly, “I don’t think I want to go to Uni for medicine. I want to study something else.”

“You don’t want to- you were made to be a doctor! It’s in your blood, Philip, what else do you think you could do? Screw around with music and fail like your brother?”

He could handle his father being upset. But not comments about his brother. “Don’t talk about Martyn like that,” Phil said, still calm, but he could feel his anger rising.

“Is he the reason you’re thinking like this? There is a reason he’s no longer allowed in this house, and this is exactly why.” He shook his hand in the air and leaned forward imposingly; Phil could feel the splatter as he spat on his own son's name.

“Martyn has nothing to do with this. I just don’t want to be a doctor.”

“I have given you everything so that you can succeed, and I will not have you throwing all of that away. You can still apply for biomedicine programs I suppose; I will look over them when you’ve finished. And I will see what strings I can pull with my friends at Imperial,” He picked up his phone and started tapping quickly, already disengaging from the conversation.

Phil hated that his dad thought he could order him around like this, so assured he would obey. It made him feel weak, and he was done with it.

“No.”

“No?” His father questioned, a little surprised, and looked up from his phone with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m not going to apply for medicine.” Phil held his ground, but his hands were shaking under the table.

“I am your father, and you live under my roof, you will listen to what I say. Until I have seen that you’ve turned in your applications, you are to come straight home after school and do only your work. And you are not allowed to see Dan. That boy takes up too much of your time, and you aren’t even tutoring him anymore.”

The thought of not seeing Dan sent Phil’s mind spiraling and tipped him over the edge. He stood up suddenly, his chair skidding on the polished floors.

“I don’t have to do everything you want me to, and you can’t make me!” Phil yelled at his father.

He ran out of the dining room and up the stairs, slamming his door and locking it. His breath was fast and heavy, adrenaline pounding through him. Phil grabbed a pillow from his bed and threw it at the wall, and it landed with a dull thump. They had never argued this before, they usually skirted around each other awkwardly, and Phil always bent to the will of his father. But he was tired of being a puppet, and it felt good to stand up and say what he wanted.

There was a loud, single knock on the door, and Phil jumped. “Get those applications done and I mean it, Philip!”

Phil crumpled to the floor. It was pointless. There was nothing else for him to do but listen to his father, or wind up like his brother, kicked out with no support. He was completely powerless. And now he couldn’t even see Dan, the one person in the world who thought that he was creative and funny as just himself. A broken, breathy sob escaped Phil, and he gave up and let the tears fall.

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

It was late, and Dan was getting ready for bed when his phone buzzed with a notification, vibrating on the counter of the bathroom sink.

 **Phil:** Idk if im going to stop by for a few days

 **Dan:** Why? Is everything okay?

His heart sank, disappointed that Phil would be gone even more. As December approached, his friend had exams coming up he was busy studying for, limiting the time they could spend together. Sometimes he would still come to see Dan, and they would study together which, despite sounding boring as hell, wasn’t that bad. They would find somewhere nice in the hospital where they could sit in silence and work, occasionally asking the other for help practicing flashcards or quizzing on important concepts. Dan hated doing his online schoolwork a little less than he normally would when Phil was there with him.

Looking down at his phone again, he saw that Phil read his text, but the bouncing three dots were absent, and there was no response. _Is he ignoring me?_ The possibility made him uneasy. Dan flicked off the lights to his en-suite and climbed into bed, still looking at his phone to see if it would light up with another notification. It wasn’t that late, only 11:06 according to his lock screen, but Dan got tired so early now.

He settled under the heavy blankets, warmth and comfort enveloping him, and his eyes drooped with sleepiness. Dan forced himself to check his notifications one last time, but to no avail, so he locked his phone and set it aside with a sigh. Why did it bother him so much? Phil was only a friend; there were no requirements for him to respond immediately, to visit often.

Loneliness was the obvious answer, for Dan didn’t have many others to talk to while he was here. Being in hospital was so isolating, and as the days and weeks ticked by, he was further and further forgotten by the rest of the busy world. But that comforted him, in some odd way. If Dan were still at school doing normal things, he would have so much pressure on him to succeed, prepare, plan for his future, and make decisions about what he wanted to do in life. The hospital was like a protective bubble; it shielded him from so many pressures, decisions, and expectations. Maybe it was mind-numbingly dull sometimes, and without visits from Phil he would be completely secluded from society, but at least the doctors didn’t have high expectations for him.

No, it was something else that bothered Dan. When Phil didn’t talk to him or see him the discomfort it left Dan in could only compare to the frustration of forgetting a word on the tip of your tongue, or the distress of misplacing a valuable possession. It was like something was missing from his day, from his life. How could the absence of one person leave him feeling like that?

He rolled over in bed, attempting to quiet his thoughts. Phil was just a typical, average friend. There was no reason Dan should be so upset over an ignored text, or going a few days without seeing him. It was an overreaction. Right?

The lights of the city glimmered around the sides of the window blinds, and the slow dance of the shadows on his floor lulled Dan to sleep.

 **Phil:** Im really busy, sorry :/

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil hated lying to Dan more than anything. He could have said the truth, that his dad was pissed at him for not finishing applications. But the lie was simpler. There was no need to explain why he didn’t finish his applications yet, why his father was so mad about it, or what happened during the argument last night. Dan didn’t need to worry about that.

But all-day Phil’s thoughts were plagued with worry over upsetting Dan. Worse yet, the message was seen, and despite checking their conversation a million times between and even during classes, he never got a reply. It made school go by so slowly. He found himself zoning out while staring at the clock, waiting for each class to be over. There was nothing to look forward to either, for Phil was under strict instructions to go right home and nowhere else after school. The longer it took to finish applications, the longer he would be grounded.

And, on top of it all, Phil was having a shitty day. It felt like the universe was conspiring against him to make anything, and everything go wrong today. First, he woke up late and nearly missed the bus because he fell asleep before setting his alarm. It was a mad dash to change into a wrinkled uniform and shove all of his books together before running out to the bus stop. And Phil was not fit enough to be running first thing in the morning.

Then it was a cascade of one bad thing after another- a landslide where every rock further trapped and crushed Phil under a mountain of social anxiety and failure. He got called on in class but didn’t know the answer because he didn’t do the reading last night. He dropped his books in the middle of a busy hallway. He got caught checking his phone during a lecture. He made a stupid mistake while doing an example problem on the board in chemistry. Every judgmental look from a classmate and reprimand from a teacher burned like salt in an open wound.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the day was over. He stepped out into the chilly air and breathed deeply, the cold filling deep inside his lungs. The sky was overcast, and the sun hid away, making the dirty London street even more bleak and dull than usual. The buses parked along the curb started up, and their exhaust swirled in the air, a reminder that he couldn’t be late for his bus a second time that day and had to go.

Suddenly, someone from behind jostled by, shoving him against the brick wall of the school. It knocked the cold air right back out of Phil.

“Get out of the way, kid,” a deep voice grumbled.

Dumbfounded, Phil stared in shock at the stranger that pushed him, who didn’t even give a cursory look back. The man was tall and middle-aged with salt-and-pepper graying hair. He carried a leather briefcase and wore a long, tan coat that was clearly expensive and high-class. Based on appearances alone, the guy was a callous, loathsome businessman.

 _Fuck this._ Phil turned on his heel and walked in the direction of the hospital.

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

Dan’s wet curls dripped onto the shoulders of his loose-fitting striped shirt. He had just stepped out of the shower and changed after coming back from a physical therapy session. “Physical therapy” really meant stretching and light exercise to keep him active. It was probably his least favorite part of being in hospital care. Dan would much rather stay in his bed all day, but there was nothing Nurse Anna hated more than seeing that he hadn’t moved from his spot since she last checked on him hours ago.

He aggressively toweled at his hair to dry it, water flinging off him like a wet dog. Dan was more accustomed to not straightening his hair now since he hadn’t had access to a straightener in almost three months. If he were still at school, it would be straightened as often as possible, but in the privacy of the hospital, it didn’t bother him as much. There were other parts of himself he cared more about hiding now, namely his figure. His tight and fitted clothes lay hidden at the bottom of his drawers in favor of baggy shirts and jumpers that made him as shapeless as possible.

“Hey, Dan? You in there?” A familiar voice called from his room, accompanied by a knock at the door.

Whipping around, Dan peered around the bathroom door and saw none other than Phil. The single person he knew was not supposed to be here. Phil stood meekly in the doorway in his school uniform; a backpack slung over one shoulder. He gave a little wave and watched from behind batting eyelashes. It took Dan a few seconds to comprehend what was happening, his expression jumping from surprise to confusion, and perhaps his eyes took a moment to check the boy out in the process.

Then his brain reminded him of text from last night, and how conflicted he was about not seeing Phil. He remembered the shitty excuse for a response he read this morning that clearly was an attempt to brush off Dan’s worry with a lie.

“What are you doing here?” His confusion at Phil’s presence came across more irritated than he intended, and they both flinched.

“Well um… I wanted to see you,” Phil said, subdued and pleading.

“I thought you ‘weren’t going to stop by for a few days.’” Dan used finger quotes, repeating the text from the prior night almost verbatim.

Phil looked over his shoulder into the hallway, cautiously. “I know, I’m not really supposed to be here right now. But I came anyway. Can we go to the lounge?”

“Yeah, fine,” Dan sighed. He flicked off the bathroom lights before following his friend across the hall.

He collapsed into a steel-blue, faux-leather armchair, sitting sideways with his legs dangling over the armrest. It squeaked as he made himself comfortable.

Meanwhile, Phil awkwardly lingered by the kitchenette that was adjacent to the entryway. “Do you want a snack? They keep the minifridge in here well-stocked now.”

“No, Phil. I just want to know what the hell is going on with you,” Dan said, exasperated.

The other boy visibly tensed up at the mild accusation. “What? I don’t- nothing’s going on.”

“Stop lying, please,” Dan pleaded, “just sit down and talk to me.”

Phil walked over and sat on the small, fern-coloured sofa across from Dan, setting his book bag against the coffee table. His shoulders raised, and he crossed his legs and arms at the same time. It didn’t seem like he wanted to be the first to talk.

“Why won't you ever tell me what’s happening with you?” Dan asked, abandoning his accusatory tone for quiet concern.

“Nothing is-”

“You snuck out at like two in the morning the other week to come here, and now you show up even after you said you would be too busy. I know it was a lie, and we’re hiding in the lounge so no one will see you’re here. You don’t seem like the kind of person to break a lot of rules, but you barely tell me anything about your life for me to know any different.”

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil sighed and slouched forward like a deflated balloon. He realized Dan wasn’t going to be happy to see him as he was dodging certain nurses and using back stairwells to get through the hospital unnoticed. Dan wasn’t an idiot, and the fact that he ignored his text was the icing on top of this cake of lies. And he was right. Despite using his best puppy-dog eyes, Phil was called out on his bullshit the moment he walked in the door.

“My dad and I got into a big fight last night over university applications. He grounded me from seeing you until I finished applying, even though I told him I didn’t want to be a doctor.” Phil tucked his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees. “He expects me to do everything he says, even if I don’t want to, and I… I’m pathetic and listen anyways.”

“Oh, Phil,” Dan said sympathetically, “you’re not pathetic. That’s total crap; you should apply for something you like.”

“I know. But he got so angry about it, especially because I’ve missed the deadline for medicine. It doesn’t matter because I know I did terribly on the entrance exam.”

“What does your mum say about it? Does she back up everything your dad says too?”

Phil looked away, not sure of what to say next as the silence stretched on uncomfortably. Suddenly the wilting flowers on a side table were immensely more interesting to him than continuing the conversation. He knew this would be something to come up eventually, but he wished it wasn’t now.

“I don’t really, uh, have a mum,” Phil mumbled.

Dan looked at him for a moment with a blank face, processing, and then catapulted himself up and forward, reaching across the coffee table as if to take Phil’s hand, but he stopped short. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry, I never would’ve-”

Phil cut the boy off with a small laugh, “It’s okay Dan, she’s not dead.”

“Oh.”

“My parents got divorced when I was really little, and my father got full custody. He was the doctor with all the money and everything. I never really knew her, so it’s never bothered me much,” he shrugged.

This was why Phil didn’t like talking about himself and his life. It was always a spiral of pity and re-hashing out the details of terrible things from when he was too young to know anything about.

“I’m still sorry, I wouldn’t have mentioned it if I knew. Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“It’s not a big thing, I guess. It’s just my dad and me. And my brother, before he left.”

Dan fully stood up. “ _You have a brother?_ Do I know anything about you?” He was surprised but lighthearted.

“Ugh, I’m terrible at this.” Phil hid his face between his knees, curling up into an even tighter ball.

He wasn’t used to this, to the sharing and the questions. It wasn’t like he had many friends in the first place who would care, but at least for the few he did have, they already knew everything from growing up together. But Dan wanted openness, and that was something Phil now realized he wasn’t all that good at doing.

Dan sat down next to him on the sofa and got comfortable. He reached his foot out and poked Phil in the shin. “That’s okay. I just want you to talk to me about things, yeah? Like, tell me about your brother.” He smiled softly.

“He’s so cool. His name is Martyn, he’s two years older than me, and he’s a DJ in Manchester. We text occasionally, but he’s been busy making his own life after he left home.”

“Did he leave for Manchester to go to school?”

“Yeah, for medicine too with a preliminary year, but he dropped out pretty early on. Dad didn’t take that very well.”

“But see, if your brother can do it, so can you!” Dan said, trying to spin the conversation in a positive direction.

Unfortunately, Phil knew from experience not to take the optimistic bait.

“It’s not that easy. My father was super fucking pissed about Martyn dropping out, and sort of… banished him? Said he was never allowed to come home. But my brother just rolled with it, even though it seems like it was really hard. I could never be that brave.”

Dan placed his hand over Phil’s. His touch was so gentle and soft like he was handling fragile porcelain. Phil looked down at it, and his heart was swayed by how much tenderness and care was exchanged by that one little action. Then he finally looked up at Dan, making eye contact for the first time since they started talking. Dan was watching him with a fond, slightly sad smile tugging at the corner of his chapped lips. His dimple left a crescent-shaped divot in the side of his face, and it was so endearing. But his eyes. They were indescribable. Phil couldn’t begin to comprehend how those two, hazelnut doe eyes could express so much raw emotion. _I love those eyes._

“Your dad doesn’t control your life, and you _are_ brave enough to do whatever it is that you want to do.”

Off-put by the sudden wave of feelings that crashed over him, Phil could only smile weakly in response. “Yeah. Thanks for that, Dan. You’re really helpful.”

“That’s what friends are for, right? We tell each other things, even if it’s about shitty fathers or… medical miracle babies.” He chuckled at the latter.

Dan was still giving him that look, that overwhelming, heart-stopping look. Phil didn’t even know what to call it; it was ineffable. When he felt like it was all too much, he looked away. He slouched into the couch, unraveling his limbs, and scooted minutely closer to Dan.

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

The space between them was so small. Instinct was telling Dan to close the distance, but his body contradicted his instincts. His legs tensed up, and nerves tingled in his spine. Somewhere in his mind, a million sirens went off, but something more powerful silenced all of it.

_Follow your gut._

Carefully, Dan slid along the cushion of the sofa, so unbelievably slow, but intentionally in case he wanted to back out. But he didn’t. Dan gently tucked himself in beside Phil and rested his head on the boy’s broad, sturdy shoulder. Their arms pressed up against each other, and their hands folded together, fingers perfectly slotting beside one another. Phil immediately made up the rest of the distance, angling himself, so their legs touched, and knees knocked. Dan felt Phil’s cheek and nose brush against his damp hair, and unless he was overthinking, he swore he could feel the way Phil’s lips slightly puckered against his scalp, leaving the faintest trace of a kiss. But maybe he imagined that.  

He closed his eyes. None of it felt real, nor could the logical side of his brain make any sense of it. Everything in his brain jumbled up and Dan knew he would have a hard time comprehending any of this later. But none of that mattered, and all of his thoughts were washed away with a calm that only the ocean could top.

“Best friends,” Phil whispered, and Dan could feel the vibrations of his voice.

He’d never had a best friend before.

***

A hesitant knock at the door sent both boys flying to opposite sides of the sofa. They scrambled to escape from the joint crease they created, pushing off each other to jump apart. Nurse Anna walked in, and if she saw how the two boys were lying together only moments before, she didn’t say anything and leaned against the doorframe.

“Phil, I wanted to give you a heads up. Your father finished with his meeting and will probably be leaving soon. You’ll want to get home before he does.”

“Does he know I’m here?” Phil’s voice quivered in fear.

“No, don’t worry no one know as far as I can tell. Just hurry home, so he never finds out.”

Phil stood and shoved his book bag over his shoulders. “How do you know I’m here?”

“You boys should know that already. I know everything,” Anna said with a mischievous wink.

She turned around and left, the door swinging shut behind her. They were alone again. Phil looked back at Dan who was still cowering in the corner of the sofa.

“I need to go. But thank you, this meant a lot,” Phil said genuinely.

Dan wasn’t sure if they were talking about the conversation, the cuddling, or both. “Yeah, of course.”

“I’m going to get my applications done quickly so I can see you again soon.”

They saw each other all the time, but the way he promised this made it sound different.

“Are you going to apply for what your dad says, or for what you want?”

Phil was hesitant when he responded, voice squeaking with nervousness, “What I want, I think.”

Dan nodded in agreement. “Good.”

“Well then, I’m gonna,” he pointed to the door, “go now, I guess.” Phil waved goodbye. “See you later.”

“Bye. And text me!” Dan called after him, and his voice raised to an embarrassing pitch.

The door closed, leaving him alone in the lounge with its tacky furniture and wilting flowers. The darkness of the room finally stood out, and he realized that they never turned on the lights, and only a few small windows kept the lounge from being completely dark. Dan replayed the events that happened in his mind and cringed at how unbelievably awkward it would seem to any onlooker. But he had a best friend now. He smiled to himself, still warm inside from the happy chemicals flowing through him after cuddling.

_We cuddled._

Cuddles can be platonic. He knew that was true.

But do two best friends cuddle like that, without it meaning anything?

Dan flopped face-down on the seat of the sofa and groaned. _I’m so fucked._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took so long for me to get this chapter done, but I hope it was worth the wait and that you enjoyed it. I'm excited about the next two chapters especially. Thanks for reading, and leave a comment about what you liked!
> 
> And happy New Year, there's lots more Primrose to come in 2019!!


	13. Gala Night

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

_Fingers run through his hair, the soft petting of fingertips alternating with the light scratches of trimmed fingernails. He backs his head into the touch, but the fingers slip from his curls and trail down the nape of his neck, and he feels the way every nerve tingles. The hands travel across his bare shoulders, squeezing and rubbing, releasing tension. Delicate, wet lips accompany the hands now, pressing kisses along his spine. Farther and farther down they go, before the tips of fingernails quickly skim back up in the opposite direction. Dan’s back arches, muscles jumping and contracting, and he gasps. “Phil.”_

***

Panting, Dan woke up. He was lying on his stomach, which he never does anymore, but somehow wound up there in his sleep. Dan adjusted to his surroundings slowly, as his brain was too busy replaying the final moments of his dream to focus.

And  _fuck_ , he was hard.

The fact made him uncomfortable for so many reasons, and he shut his eyes tight, willing with everything in his power for it to go away. Awake or asleep, thoughts of sex were usually accompanied by terrifyingly vivid images of violence and screaming and crying. Apparently, hormones and his subconscious had a different plan in store for tonight. But no matter what he felt in that dream, he was uncomfortable now and didn’t want to deal with his shitty body’s natural reactions.

And oh god,  _Phil_. Phil was his very platonic friend who he was not supposed to have dreams about, definitely not sexual dreams. That had to cross some line somewhere. Probably a million different lines, honestly.  _What does this even mean?_

Dan groaned and checked the time on his phone. As always, it was some inhumane hour of the morning that he decided to wake up, and he no longer wanted to deal with any of it. He downed the remained of the water in the cup on his bedside table, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

***

It was barely an hour later. He felt the lurch in his stomach first, and then the bubbling feeling rising in his throat.

_Shit._

He threw himself out of bed and ran to the bathroom, barely making it in time.

He felt disgusting everywhere. Sweat lined his brow, his breath reeked, and he was shaking. Weakly, he curled up on the floor, breathing in the faint smell of hospital antiseptic. It had been two whole weeks since he was here- gross, sick, and helpless, lying on the bathroom floor. To go so long without vomiting was an accomplishment. And with the knowledge he was at the end of twelve weeks, Dan really thought it meant he was done being sick.

But he was never done. He was stuck in some strange vortex, some ripple in time, space, and science, wasting away precious months of his youth. He would always be sick somehow, always fighting biology, and dealing with the consequences that wreaked on his mind and body. When one symptom stopped, he should be assured another would pop up in its place. He was the one ultimately paying the price for some strangers heinous crime against him.

Dan even had the option to escape, advertised to him in big red letters:  _“You have the option to make it stop. Sign here and go back to reality.”_  And he didn’t take it. Halfway out the door, he shut it back on his face, preferring to cower in a small, blue room for six more months then make such a monumental decision. And now he was on the bathroom floor again.

Dan cried but didn’t shed any tears. His breath heaved, dry and forceful, racking him in violent bursts. It was pathetic, to cry over getting sick, and even he recognized that. With a trembling hand, Dan reached up and pressed the call button on the wall, signaling the nurse's station. He didn’t want to lie there any longer.

Almost immediately, Nurse Anna showed up. Dan was never more thankful for her frequent night shifts.

“Oh, Dan,” she sighed as she took in the sight.

“It had been two weeks,” he muttered weakly.

“I know dear, I know. But it can take up to the fifteenth week for nausea to go away.”

Dan only wined in response.

Anna flushed the toilet and helped him up slowly, cradling his head before she pulled his arm around her shoulder and pried him from the floor.

“No more running to the bathroom when you’re going to be sick. You need to use the bin beside your bed like I’ve told you several times before. Then we wouldn’t need to do this.”

He didn’t appreciate being scolded when he already felt so pitiful, but she was right. Once he was back in his bed, she went about checking his vitals with a concerned look on her face.

“Do you still feel poorly?”

“Mhm.”

Dan couldn’t care less, he just wanted to forget the entire night existed. The on-call doctor was paged, and he was forced to endure even more poking and prodding, but he closed his eyes and let his brain drift away elsewhere. He lied there limp, and let them examine him like a ragdoll. Eventually, they stuck a cannula in his hand, deciding he only needed fluids for now. Anna and the doctor talked about him in hushed voices, but Dan wasn’t asleep yet and overheard their conversation.

“Make sure the day staff knows to keep a closer watch on him. And have Dr. Lee do another ultrasound for this week. I don’t think it’s  _that_ , but he’s not safe yet.” The doctor's deep voice wavered unconfidently.

“Would the probability even decline in the second trimester for him?”

“Honestly, it could worsen; we have no way of knowing how much more dangerous this could get. But for both their sakes, let’s have hope.”

Somewhere in the back of Dan’s mind, he knew whatever they were discussing was something to be concerned about. But he couldn’t stay awake any longer and quickly fell into a thankfully dreamless sleep.

***

It was much later in the day when Dan was woken up by a different nurse he barely recognized, one of the younger women who frequently checked on him who he never learned the name of. He looked at her confused, trying to figure out why Anna wasn’t the one adjusting his IV _. How long was I asleep?_  Surely it wasn’t more than an hour or so, because sleep had done nothing to make him feel better.

“What time is it?” His voice croaked.

“It’s two in the afternoon. You slept for quite a while, but this morning Dr. Lee ordered you some medicine that helped with that.”

 _What the hell?_  Dan tried to look for his phone, but his side table had been wheeled to the foot of his bed, and that felt like too far away. The windows were drawn tight, minimizing the light in the room, and perhaps that was why he thought it was only the morning.

“Are you feeling better after all that rest?”

“Not really, no.”

He felt like shit. His stomach rolled like waves in discontent, and his head spun when he moved too quickly. The deep ache in Dan’s muscles made no sense- he hadn’t done physical exercise in ages.

“Any cramping?”

Dan had to consider his answer for a moment before answering with an unsure, “I guess not?”

The nurse didn’t say anything in response, but she noted something down in furious, scribbly handwriting.

“Am I like… really sick?” It was a redundant question, but he asked anyway, hoping for a response that made him less anxious.

“Dr. Lee isn’t sure quite yet, and it doesn’t look too bad. But you’re under close observation for now, and they’re considering bed rest again.”

Dan groaned. “Please, no, not bed rest. I hardly leave this room as is.”

She only shrugged her shoulders and cleaned up her things to leave. “They’ll make a more informed decision after they do another ultrasound. For now, you are to take it easy, and we’ll be making sure of that. Let us know if you need anything.” The nurse left and resumed her spot at the station in the hall.

Dan turned over in his bed with a huff. He barely lasted a minute before his thoughts started to race faster and faster.  _What did I get sick with? Why are the doctors weird? I already had an ultrasound this week, why do I need another? Am I having a… a mis-_

He couldn’t take it, he needed a distraction before he upset his stomach even more. Dan stretched his leg out, reaching for his rolly table with his foot. The sight probably looked ridiculous, but there was very little in this world right now that would motivate him to sit up. After finding success at using his feet and knees to roll the side table up to him, he resigned to spending the rest of the day scrolling through his phone and binging anime.

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Phil stared at himself in the mirror. Objectively, he knew he looked good in the tux. His father took him to a fancy tailor to get it done, and it hugged him in all the right places. It was far nicer than anything he'd worn before; the black suit had elaborate embroidery stitched into the lapel and waistcoat, and everything including the bowtie and pocket square were made out of luxurious fabrics. But instead of boosting his confidence, he felt awkward. If he had any say in the matter, he would be wearing something with a fun pattern or color.

He sighed. Phil wasn't looking forward to the hospital gala, and being all dressed up with his hair plastered in a side-quiff only made him more uncomfortable. It reminded him that he was an object for his father to show off to the board and donors. "Look at my son, he's going to be a wonderful surgeon someday and steal this job right from under my feet. Nothing would make me more proud."  _No, I'm fucking not. I’m never going to work in a hospital even if my life depended on it._

The doorbell chimed throughout the house like a quiet birdsong, chirping at the family that a guest had arrived.

"I'll get it!" Phil yelled, knowing full-well his father was only down the hall and could hear him just fine.

He bounded down the curved, marble stairs, taking two at a time. Through the small window beside the door, he could see the glossy figure of his date waiting patiently.

"Phil! You look great! Finally, you got a new suit to wear to these things."

The girl who greeted him had long, honey-blonde hair that was perfectly curled, and some strands that usually fell to the front were held back with pearl-white pins. She wore a beautiful, blue, chiffon gown that floated softly around her ankles in the breeze, and the bodice was covered in intricate little flower petals that faded into sheer lace sleeves. A fluffy, white shawl was pulled over her tiny shoulders, but it did nothing to protect her from the cold, so he politely stepped aside and let her in.

"Why, thank you, Emma. As always, you look positively stunning this evening, my lady,” he said with the poshest voice he could imitate, bowing extravagantly towards her.

Emma laughed and nudged him in the shoulder. “Quit that.”

They walked farther into the foyer, and the click-clack of Emma’s heels echoed as the sound bounced around the high ceilings. She sat on the first surface she could find- an empty side table. The way she hoisted herself up onto the table with little care for the skirt of her dress was so very Emma.

“Are you ready to shmooze with all the doctors tonight?” Phil asked as he leaned against the wall beside her.

“Hell no. I want to get in and out of this stupid gala as fast as humanly possible. I told the babysitter my mum hired to call in two hours with an excuse to leave so I could come home and watch Brady myself, and I’d still pay her for the rest of the time.”

His face fell. “What? You’re getting out of it early?”

“Oh, Phil. I’m sorry,” she rubbed his arm comfortingly, “but I wanna to get ahead on my Latin assignments. I really can’t stand to sit through another one of these events.”

“But we get through them together. Who’s going to play ‘spot the drunk board member’ with me?”

“I’m sure you’ll find something to do. You’re at the hospital all the time anyway, you’ve gotta have some secret hiding place.”

Phil’s mind immediately wandered to Dan. “I guess.”

Emma pulled him closer to her and leaned her head on his shoulder. “I”ll make it up to you, I promise.”

They heard Phil’s father at the top of the stairs then, and the two immediately straightened up, and Emma hopped off her place on the furniture.

“Ah, Emma, you look beautiful tonight.” Phil’s father’s voice boomed from above them. He was dressed in a far more expensive suit than Phil, his navy blue, and he adjusted the polished gold cufflinks of the jacket as he descended the stairs. “Both of you kids look great. Come on, let’s get a picture quickly, the car will be here soon.”

They stood in front of the large white door, well acquainted with the obligatory gala photo routine. Phil pulled Emma into his side as she placed a hand on his chest and they put on their fakest smiles.

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

The doctors and nurses never stopped hovering over Dan, but eventually, he started to feel mildly better. He felt well enough to move from his bed to his chair, and they could take the cannula out of his hand, which seemed like a good sign. The threat of bedrest still loomed over him every time Dan tried to exert himself in the slightest bit, but he was dying of boredom.

Being stuck in the hospital was already eating at Dan’s sanity. He had no say in his diet anymore, he couldn’t go anywhere outside the medical campus, he barely talked to anyone his own age besides Phil, and he barely felt like himself in his own body. There were all these changes happening to how he looked and to his health so he could grow this  _thing_ , and he had no control. Dan was trapped in himself and in the hospital; being ill and having extra restrictions were only more cages to imprison him behind.

The internet was his only reprieve. Despite having refreshed every social media app a million times throughout the day, Dan found himself going back to Instagram to find something to occupy his last remaining brain cells.

There was a new picture of Phil. The one bright, shiny light in all of it. Phil in a fancy fitted suit nonetheless, and wow did he look hot.

But there was a girl. Dan had no idea who she was, with her blonde hair and long legs. And her hand was on his chest. Perfect, blue, manicured nails gripped onto Phil’s lapel. They looked so damn charming together, dressed to the nines, all cozy and happy.  _Where are they even going?_

The caption on the photo was vague. “Another year, another gala, another fun night with @emma_clarke.” Immediately, Dan tapped on her handle to see her profile. Her most recent post was also from tonight, and one photo was the same as Phil posted. She was undeniably beautiful in the dress; it was elegant and form-fitting and matched her complexion perfectly.

It was the last picture in the set she posted that stood out to Dan. It was a Snapchat selfie, but he was more interested in the background. The room wasn’t completely dark, like a school dance, but the lights were dimmed and yellow, and there were several tables with other well-dressed people sitting around. He could make out Phil sitting next to her, even though he was mostly cropped out and blurry, not paying attention to the camera. Purple text in the corner of the photo said, “TWH Gala night!!”

 _TWH? I know that from somewhere…_  The Whittington Hospital Gala. Tonight was the hospital gala, in that very building. Two floors below him in the conference hall, Phil was attending a formal, black-tie event with Emma, the gorgeous blonde, as his date. His face flushed with heat and he gripped his phone tighter. It wasn’t fair. Dan was cooped up in his room all day, while Phil got to dress up and galavant around at a special gala with some random girl Dan had never even heard about before.  _I should be there with him._

Phil swiped out of the app, too angry to look at it anymore. Agitation bit at his nerves, and he couldn’t sit still anymore. He stood up from his bed and tried to suppress the wave of nausea that accompanied the movement, then walked over to his chair by the window. It was the farthest he could go without a nurse scolding him or his own stomach protesting. If he weren’t sick and in hospital, Dan would’ve gone for a walk to fight off his bitter feelings, but blasting music while staring out the window would have to do instead.

* * *

 

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

Gala’s were pretty high on Phil’s list of events he hated, right after family Christmas parties. The suit was itchy, the people made him anxious, and the night was long. Emma made the event a little more tolerable. After the catered dinner, most of the guests mingled with each other towards the front where a band played jazz music quietly. This was when Phil and Emma escaped from the polite and forced conversations to sit at one of the empty tables in the back where they commented on the various fashion choices and states of drunkenness of the doctors and donors. Phil would’ve preferred standing near the snack table so that he could have a constant source of food to stuff his face with, but Emma’s heels hurt too much for her to stand for that long.

But he could already tell how tonight was different. Emma kept checking her phone, waiting for her excuse to leave, and Phil didn’t want her to go. He would be forced to sit alone awkwardly and look even more anti-social if he got on his phone. Or worse, people would try to talk to him.

“Do you think I could leave with you?” Phil asked, “I won’t have anything to do once your gone.”

“If you’re willing to help me with my Latin, sure.” Emma shrugged.

“Ew.”

“I’m sure your dad won’t mind if you go home, we always used to ditch early.”

“Yeah, when you were my ride. I’m stuck here until he’s done which could be ages from now,” Phil whined. He looked at the time on his phone, and it wasn’t even 11 yet, his dad wouldn’t be done until one at the earliest after clean up.

Emma stood up. “I’m really sorry, but I just can’t stay. My mum is gonna find me any minute now to tell me I need to go home and watch my brother.” She leaned over and kissed his cheek politely. “Let’s do something next week instead. Try to have fun without me, yeah?”

Phil grumbled and waved goodbye, watching her disappear into the crowd. There was no way to have fun at the hospital gala, but he had to find a way to occupy his time. He went to the snack table and refilled his plate with crisps, fruit, chocolates, fruits dipped in chocolate, and skipped on the cheese. There wasn’t anyone around, so he leaned against the wall and watched the people.

Most of the guests were standing in small groups and talking, which was the purpose of the gala. Some of the doctors and researchers buttered up the board members and donors with niceties and embellished descriptions of their work and projects, looking for grants and donations. Others used the event as an excuse to dress up and get drunk with their co-workers. There would be a few speeches given, one of which was by his father, and after that, the music would liven up, and more people would dance and drink until eventually, the crowd thinned out, and everyone left.

Just the thought of sticking around through all of that bored Phil to tears. Emma was right, his father wouldn’t care if he left; he already sat through the dinner and spoke with all the right people. So, he topped off his plate of goodies and grabbed two cups of punch, then carefully navigated his way to the nearest lift. He used his elbow to press the up button and ascended to the third floor.

Anna was at the nurse's station when he awkwardly walked through the double doors to the private suite, nearly dropping his precariously balanced plate of snacks.

“Philip! Don’t you look dashing this evening.”

He looked down and realized he forgot he was in a suit. “Oh, thank you.”  _Hopefully, Dan likes it too._  “Uh, can I…” He looked in the direction of Dan’s room.

“Of course. He hasn’t been well most of the day, so he definitely would love a surprise visitor. Especially such a handsome visitor,” She winked.

He blushed as he waited for her to open the door for him. He had no idea if Dan thought he was handsome, but the idea made his insides flutter.

* * *

**_Dan’s Perspective_ **

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the door open, and Dan braced for Anna telling him to get back in bed and turned from the window to see Phil instead.

_Wow._

Dan knew Phil looked great in the picture, but in real life it was… wow. He couldn’t help himself from staring, raking in the view up and down. The glossy material sloped gracefully from Phil’s broad shoulders, pulled in to hug his waist, and accentuated the jut of his hips. His bowtie was still perfectly straight and tight around his neck, and it made Phil’s Adam's apple more prominent. Dan’s aesthetic tastes appreciated how the stitched embroidery gave the look some texture, but he enjoyed how unapologetically fitted the tux was, showcasing every perfect line of Phil’s body. The back of his mind recalled the dream he had that night, and his mouth watered.

“Hey,” Phil said, bashfully looking at the ground. He apparently noticed how Dan had shamelessly checked him out.

“You look… wow.” Dan couldn’t think of anything else to say.

“Thanks,” Phil laughed nervously.

Slowly, Dan got up and walked over to Phil. The air was thick with an undefined tension. He took the plate and two cups it was balancing on, acknowledging with a smile how there was food for both of them, and set them on the dresser. Dan ran his hands lightly over the stitch work on the lapel and felt the expensive fabric between his fingers. It was a gorgeous suit on an equally gorgeous boy.

He looked up to see how Phil was holding his breath, watching how Dan’s hands lingered on his chest.  _If only you knew how your hands were on me last night._ Red tinted Phil’s cheeks and nose, and his blue eyes were wide.  _Damn._

“You look amazing, Phil,” Dan whispered.

Phil’s face flushed an even deeper red, and he opened and closed his mouth several times, looking for a reply. “I was at a uh… a- a gala,” he stuttered.

The gala. Dan suddenly remembered the blonde girl who was now noticeably absent. He then turned to the food that was set aside, picked up a drink and then walked away to sit on the couch. The punch was so good, and Dan’s savored the chance to have something that wasn’t served by the hospital kitchen. But he only sipped a little, unsure of how well his stomach would take it.

“I saw the pictures on Instagram. Your date was very pretty; Emma, right? I didn’t know you had a girlfriend.” Dan couldn’t help how bitter his voice sounded.

Phil nearly dropped the chocolate strawberry he had just picked up, shocked. “What? She’s- no. No, she’s not my girlfriend, not at all, no.”

“Are you sure? You two looked very cozy.” Dan gave him a pointed, unamused look.

“No, we’re just friends. Her mum is a lead cardio doctor, and we go to the same school- our parent’s make us go together every year,” Phil explained, sitting on the couch beside Dan.

“Why haven’t you mentioned her before?” Dan was still unimpressed and looked away as he took another sip from his drink.

“I don’t- why? Dan, are you  _jealous_?” He had caught on to the game.

“Why would I be jealous?”

“Would you have wanted to go with me?” Phil leaned forward, a teasing tilt in his voice that Dan didn’t appreciate.

He side-eyed Phil. “I couldn’t have gone with you. And anyway, you looked happy with her.”

“I swear, she’s not my girlfriend. I’m gay.”

This caught Dan’s attention, and his head snapped back to look at Phil. Of course, he guessed something of the sort, but to hear it confirmed. He didn’t know what to say.

“Not that it-”

“I’m gay too,” Dan cut him off.

“I- yeah.”

They were stuck at an impasse. Neither boy knew what to do next with that mutual acknowledgment. The silence stretched until it was so taut with unspoken emotions that it could be plucked like a string. Any semblance of platonic feelings shattered, and now there was a shared uncertainty of what this meant for them.

The door flung open, and Dr. Lee walked in. She wore a tight, satin, deep purple dress that flared out in folds of fabric just above the knee and formed a short train that trailed behind her. Her hair was pinned up in extravagant braids, and dangly, black diamond earrings matched her sparkling necklace.

“I see I’ve found the after party,” Jennifer said, smiling at the boys who laughed awkwardly.

“Was my dad looking for me?” Phil asked.

“No, he’s too busy chatting up the hospital director. When you don’t drink, those gala’s are impossibly dull, so I had to get out of there and come check on my favorite patient.”

Dan gasped at how carefree and unprofessional she was but watched her concerned, doctor-persona slip back on when she read his chart.

“I’m glad I came in today, though, this ultrasound would be better sooner rather than later. Heels and a dress won't stop me, lie on the bed, Dan.” She pulled out the machine from its spot in the corner and adjusted the height of his bed.

He begrudgingly got up from his spot on the couch.

“And Phil, if you could step out for a moment, please.”

Phil began to follow her order, but Dan caught his wrist and stopped him.

“He can stay.”

Dr. Lee and Phil both looked at him. “Are you sure?” “Really?”

“This isn’t a routine scan, Daniel. It may be more… emotionally sensitive than others,” Dr. Lee hesitated.

“Yes, I want him here for me,” his voice wavered with vulnerability, “unless you mind, that is.” He looked back at Phil, and was relieved when his friend nodded and said,

“Yeah, of course.”

Dan was glad he wasn’t going to be alone for this, he was nervous about the ultrasound and knew what the doctors and nurses were whispering about. Phil didn’t know about that yet, but either way, Dan would’ve told him. He tried to stay calm about it all day, pretending that the possibility that his illness was a sign of something else didn’t bother him. It’s not like he enjoyed being here or enduring this anyways, to the point where he almost quit. But it felt different, the chance of a miscarriage.

* * *

**_Phil’s Perspective_ **

He lingered to the side of the bed, unsure of why Dan seemed worried or what Dr. Lee meant by emotionally sensitive. Nurse Anna said he wasn’t feeling well, but how was that different than morning sickness?

He couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting down to see Dan’s stomach. There was a slope to it that was more defined than last time but was still relatively subtle that Phil couldn’t really tell from under a shirt. Dr. Lee squirted the blue gel stuff on, and the screen came to life with it’s gray, abstract blurs. It was odd to watch her work all dressed up, but it was also odd for him to be there wearing a suit.

Suddenly, there was a baby on the screen.

“Holy shit.” He couldn’t believe how real it looked. There was a head, a nose, a stomach, even legs, and feet. The was the spine joined the head and torso still made it look like an alien, but it was remarkably human. Phil leaned forward to watch closer, and his hand supported him on the bed.

“Yeah it looks like that now,” Dan said quietly.

Dan and Jennifer both seemed to be holding their breath still, and Phil wasn’t sure why until he realized there were only static noises coming from the machine. He saw how Dr. Lee strained her wrist to find the right angle and the way Dan’s eyes were glossy with held-back tears.  _Oh no._  Imperceptibly, he moved his hand and linked their pinkies, and Phil hoped it reminded Dan of their pact.  _Baby or no baby._

When the room was filled with a quick, swooping sound, everyone sighed happily.

“Look at that strong and healthy heartbeat.”

Dan looked up at him, and Phil watched one single, small tear fall to the side.

 _You’re okay_ , he mouthed inaudibly, then squeezed Dan’s pinky in reassurance.

Dr. Lee spent longer at the machine than usual, getting extra sonograms printed and writing down several notes.

“Everything looks okay in there, you probably just had a bad symptom day. But we’re still going to be extra careful for a few days. I also want to get an MRI done next week, to get a better, full picture of everything that’s going on now that it’s safer to do so.”

“An MRI?” Dan sounded scared.

“Yes. You’ll go into a large tube that will use magnets to get cross-section scans. It’s not bad, only a little loud, but you can listen to music to tune it out.”

“Um, okay, I guess.” He didn’t seem very convinced, so Phil made a spur-of-the-moment decision and spoke up.

“If you do it in the afternoon, I can be there.”

“You would do that?” Dan asked, a little struck by the offer.

“Sure, if it’ll help. I know a lot of the MRI techs, they should be cool with me hanging around.”

Dr. Lee nodded in agreement. “I can make those arrangements! Now, unless there’s anything else, I’ll give the all-clear to the nurses so they’ll ease up on you a little.”

“Thank you,” Dan said.

Jennifer waved goodbye and closed the door as she left. They were alone again, and there were so many energies bouncing around; it was overwhelming. Phil saw the plate of food across the room and brought it back over. Food saved everything.

“Fruit?” He offered.

Dan laughed and accepted the plate before scooching over in his bed. “Here, lie down and get comfy. That suit, however beautiful, must be uncomfortable.”

This was different. They “cuddled” together once, if you would call it that. It was more like leaning on each other. But now Dan was offering to share his bed with him. Phil cautiously obliged and toed his shoes off before climbing in next to him, making sure to keep the distance as friendly as he could in the small space. The head of the bed was adjusted up, which helped too, and they silently ate their snacks and sipped on the punch for a bit. Eventually, he couldn’t help his curiosity.

“What was that scan all about?”

Dan set the food and drinks aside, and turned on his side and face Phil. “I got pretty sick last night. I guess it was still bad enough this morning that they even gave me medicine to keep me asleep,” he motioned to the gauze held in place by medical tape on the back of his hand. “I felt a little better later today, but they were concerned it was an early sign of a uh…” his voice broke, and he didn’t finish the sentence.

“Hey, it’s all okay now. You’re good. Everything is good,” Phil assured him, reaching out to grab Dan's hand.

Their faces were so close. He could see that there were light freckles smattered across Dan’s face, and how his pupils widened. Chocolate-laced breaths were shared between them. This was something. They had something. Phil didn’t know what to call it- if there was even a word to define this wild situation they found themselves in. But it was something.

“So,” Dan whispered, “tell me about the gala, Mr. expensive tux.”

Phil laughed, and they resumed their normal banter. Time stretched on forever, it seemed, just like this- the two of them, curled up on a small hospital bed together, talking about nothing, but it felt like everything. Eventually, exhaustion started to pull at Dan, and his eyelids grew heavier, and his pauses between words grew longer until he fell asleep, one hand resting on Phil’s bicep.

He was so peaceful. Phil’s heart surged with an overwhelming amount of care and affection when he realized  _he_  was the one who did that. Phil was the one who washed away all of the tension and pain in Dan until he was calm and at rest. He would do anything to keep it that way until all Dan knew again was peace and trust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are finally getting somewhere with Dan and Phil, I hope you enjoyed it! I greatly appreciate you reading it, as well as your kind comments and kudos. Feel free to stop by my Tumblr and say hello or ask a question at [pasteldnp](http://pasteldnp.tumblr.com/).


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